Category Archives: Bipolar

Thank you, Microsoft, and Goodbye…

This is going to be tough. I’ve been putting it off as long as I could, but this morning the tears started flowing and I knew it was time to write my goodbye letter.

I’m sitting in the Commons at Microsoft, the same place I discovered a procedure that likely saved my life from cancer 4 years ago. If it weren’t for the relationships, resources, and benefits from Microsoft I might be dead, and I’d certainly not have the life I never dreamed possible.

I’m overwhelmed with gratitude for my 20 years, and I want to express that gratitude in no uncertain terms. Overcoming bipolar, a child with addiction, my wife’s cancer twice, my first layoff in 2015 and the resultant book and coaching organization that’s positively impacted hundreds of lives, overcoming cancer myself and writing my second book, and finally the discovery of psychological safety that has impacted hundreds of teams at Microsoft and countless lives across the world….these are the most significant events that I can thank Microsoft for. Thank you, Microsoft!

When people hear that I was impacted by the layoffs, they always say “I’m sorry”. I thank them for their sentiment, but quickly let them know there’s no reason to be sorry. I’ve been blessed beyond my wildest dreams through the experience, and I’m overwhelmed with gratitude. Gratitude is my deepest emotion since hearing the news, and with every passing day I feel more grateful. I still believe Microsoft is the best company on the planet to work for, and I’m eternally grateful for the last 20 years.

I’d like to share a bit of my journey with Microsoft here, hopefully it will inspire you to take a moment and reflect on the blessings in your own life, particularly in the darkest moments. I’ve spoken with many of you, and you’ve shared how devastating it is to hear of me and your peers losing jobs. I want to encourage you to shift your focus to thankfulness for what you still have at and because of Microsoft.

I started Microsoft in 2003 before I married Debbie. Neither of us could imagine the blessings we would experience because of Microsoft. Microsoft and each of my managers have walked beside us and supported us in the most difficult seasons of our lives. The experiences and learning have shaped me and everyone I interact with. The opportunities and learnings will open doors for me to fulfill my true calling in life for the rest of my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  • I survived the dark winter of 2007 when I was so depressed that I couldn’t get out of bed to go to work because of my bipolar illness. In the ensuing years, Microsoft’s health benefits inspired me to begin exercising regularly, a habit I’ve continued for 15 years that has fully stabilized my bipolar and provided the energy to carry me through the ups and downs of life.
  • I survived the darkest days of my life when my daughter struggled with addiction. The overwhelming support from my manager, Jesse, and the benefits enabled her to fully overcome her addiction.
    • Years later, I received the same level of support to help her diagnose and stabilize from her own diagnosis with bipolar. Her life is completely different today and she’s studying to be a therapist because Microsoft gave me the time to support her in her darkest season and provided the benefits to get her the help she needed.
  • We survived my wife’s first bout with cancer in 2013. The world class benefits paid for the treatment she needed. Thanks to my manager, Carol, for providing the support and flexibility we needed so I could care for her and our children when needed.
  • We survived a layoff in 2015. The generous severance I took 5 months off to write my first book, Pain Drives Change, in 45 days. These 5 months allowed me to spend time with my mom before she died just 2 weeks after I returned to Microsoft in December 2015. Thank you, Nathalie, and Sean, for creating the role that I’ve been blessed with over the last 7 years.
  • We survived my wife’s 2nd bout with cancer in 2018. This time Microsoft’s new family leave benefit allowed me 6 full weeks off to fully care for her and the children. Thank you, Sean, for your support during this season.
  • We survived my bout with cancer in 2019.  I had no idea that the data analysis skills I learned in 2008 as the Xbox 360 Quality Manger would help me analyze the research and discover the cure to my cancer. I might be dead today if I didn’t have my team member and future manager, Erinn, who I felt safe enough with to share my cancer fears with, and her ensuing advice to take time for myself to research this cancer.

I wrote my second book, Apathy or Action, as I went through cancer. I had no idea that this book would inspire so many, including more than 15 people who are writing and publishing their own books that are inspiring others. All because of the opportunity Microsoft availed me to offer coaching through MS Auction!

When I returned to work in 2020 after surviving cancer, I worked with my manager, Sean, to pivot my work and align it with the strengths he saw in me. Thank you, Sean, for the opportunity to study productivity and begin coaching teams and individuals through my learnings. This pivot has resulted in the most fulfilling 3 years of my entire career, a season of significance where I added value to countless lives.

Thank you, Erinn for casting the vision that’s being realized, that I would be known as the psychological safety expert within Microsoft, and that I would speak and inspire people around the world.

My discovery and understanding of psychological safety has literally changed my life and the lives of countless people. It’s changed my marriage and my relationships with my kids. It’s changed the lives of hundreds of teams in Microsoft and hundreds of thousands of teams in the 62,000 organizations that are using the tooling I built with Engin. It’s changed hundreds of men that I’ve coached to break generational curses in my coaching organization, Change YOUniversity, creating a safe space to be vulnerable and heal from childhood trauma.

As I began speaking across Microsoft and hearing how my story, psychological safety, and the process I developed to improve it inspired others, I knew I’d been blessed with experiences, information, and tooling that could literally improve every person on the planet. My work quickly transformed from work to a calling.

A friend said it best. This layoff isn’t a setback, it’s a set-up. I’m more excited about my future than ever, a future where I’ll fulfill my true calling, and an opportunity to reach countless more people than if I’d remained employed by Microsoft.

Thank you, Microsoft. Thank you, Russ, Maren, Mark, Paul, Jesse, Carol, Paul, Sean, Erinn, Dawn, and Myron, for being managers I could fully trust and for enabling me to apply my strengths to help countless people. Thank you, Kristen, for the world-class benefits and your ongoing encouragement to me. Thank you, Nathalie, for allowing me to be a part of your team for 7 incredible years. Most of all, thank you to all my co-workers for your friendship and ongoing encouragement to use the gifts God’s given me to inspire others. I’ll miss the comradery and relationships the most.

Please connect with me on LinkedIn, and if I’ve added any value to your life through the years, please share this post to your network on LinkedIn. I’d love to have you join my group on LinkedIn, Thriving in Work and Life and we’ll build a community to inspire each other. Finally, if you’d like to hear about my new books on psychological safety at work and another on overcoming trauma when then come out, please sign up here.

Thank you, Microsoft, and goodbye.

Damon

I Have Cancer Part 13-I Can’t

9/20/2019

I just finished my 8th radiation treatment. That puts me at 26.7% complete. This is going to sound crazy, but stick with me….

I LOVE my daily dose of radiation!


Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking forward to the pain, loss of taste, loss of saliva, and tiredness they are promising me. But I love my daily visits to UW for my radiation treatment.

Crazy, I know…and a lot different than my attitude a little less than 2 weeks ago where I was in denial and didn’t want to do it.

What changed? Simple. My attitude and outlook. I chose action in lieu of my previous apathetic attitude toward radiation. Nothing else changed. Just my attitude and the resultant actions that followed.

What triggered this change? Pain. But not the pain of radiation treatment or cancer, it was the severe and debilitating pain I experienced more than 10 years ago. This pain drove me to change, and I’m still reaping the benefits of that changed today.

In order to fully understand why I love my radiation treatments I’ll need to go back to that time when I was in extreme and debilitating pain.

It January 17, 2007. The middle of “winter” in Seattle. Weeks of grey rainy weather and no sign of the sun was getting me down. I called my wife on the phone crying my eyes out. I was depressed and couldn’t make it through the day. I was hopeless and miserable.

I’m bipolar and I was experiencing the depressive phase of manic depression. I’d been here before, but this time was different. I’d decided to stop taking my medication because it was killing my emotions (I felt like a zombie) and it had contributed to my massive weight gain (I was nearly 260 pounds with my ideal adult weight being 205 pounds). Stopping the medication helped me feel again, I certainly could feel my emotions now as I sobbed on the phone with my wife.

2 days later I wrote in my journal, my depression had reached a point of debilitation.

“Stayed home from work, couldn’t get energy to get up”

 

I laid on the couch all morning with tears in my eyes being overwhelmed with fear, anxiety, and depression. I felt hopeless. In my pain I was forced to change. I called a friend and he encouraged me to go back on the medication. Reluctantly, I agreed.

 

My moods started to improve. Over the next few months I started gathering clues about the cause of my depression. Here are a few excerpts from my journal:

 

January 23

…. Feeling very sad and disheartened afterward. What is my future???

January 24

Moods fluctuate considerably within a day. Realized that I don’t have a VISION…so nothing pulls me forward

January 27

Feeling VERY sleepy and lethargic. Related to getting up at 5:30?

January 30

3rd day in a row feeling good, wow! 10 minutes of sun lamp today, too..

February 5

Feeling more lethargic today. It is cloudy and gloomy out. Work is slow today as well…is that a clue?

February 6

Exercised at lunch yesterday, felt good.

February 16

Worked at home today. Felt good because I got some results (and watched a guy I’m mentoring get results).

June 7

Stopped taking Lexapro because feeling WAY too stimulated.

July 11

AWESOME Team Offsite. Developing leaders makes me PERFECTLY congruent

Aug 15

Back to work after long vacation at Lake Roosevelt. Absolutely Incredible!

 

The “factors” that seemed to contribute to my depression (and/or help remove the depression)

  • Having a vision for my future
  • Not having adequate sleep
  • Sunlight
  • Exercise
  • Mentoring/coaching
  • Developing leaders
  • Family vacation time

Unfortunately, a few months later the weather began to turn, and I began feeling depressed again.

Before I share the rest of the story, I have a confession to make. I started writing this chapter almost 2 weeks ago and I haven’t been able to finish it because I felt like a hypocrite writing about feeling AWESOME when it quickly became a lie. I haven’t been feeling awesome, I’ve been tired and consumed with something I didn’t expect to happen. My body started to itch everywhere. I thought it was associated with the radiation, but the doctors swear it isn’t. It got so bad that I woke up in the middle of the night scratching, but I found no relief. I called the dermatologist and unfortunately had to wait almost a week before seeing them. The itching became worse and worse. I became more and more frustrated and my calves were covered in sores where I’d scratched so much I broke through the skin.

And I’m writing a chapter about how great I feel? I simply couldn’t do it. It was a lie.

When I finally met the dermatologist, I pleaded with her to do anything to stop the itching. She looked at my body and boldly declared “I don’t know what is causing this.” She proceeded to take a biopsy declaring “I doubt it will reveal anything, but we have to try.” She then decided to throw everything at my itching to stop it. She prescribed creams and anti-itch pills and allergy medicine and moisturizers and….

But it didn’t work. I woke up in the middle of the night and I itched so bad that I almost woke my wife up to take me to the hospital.

A few days later I was watching my daughter’s volleyball game and my arms began breaking out in little bumps everywhere. I quickly drove to the dermatologist’s office only to find that they were closed. I called to talk with the on-call physician and got a voicemail.

The next morning, they called me back. “I’m sorry Mr. Stoddard, but there isn’t anything more we can do. Are you showering regularly?”

Yes, I said!

“You might want to cut back on showers and make sure they are cold to lukewarm and try not to use much soap.”

“Oh, and did she tell you this would go on for weeks before it might clear up?”

“No, she didn’t. Thank you for the call.”

Weeks? I had to continue to deal with this itching for weeks? My spirits plummeted. Here I am going through radiation treatments for cancer and now I have to go through weeks of itching so badly that I am scratching through the skin?

Proverbs 13:12

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life

I was crushed. I became cynical and started snapping at my wife when she tried to have a conversation with me. My heart was sick.

I had a choice. I could dwell in my misery or I could accept it. I’m not sure when it happened, but I accepted it. My itchy skin was 100% out of my control. The specialists were doing all they could. I accepted it.

I continued doing everything I could to take care of myself making sure I filled my time with things that give me energy and remove things that don’t.

I had dinner with my friend and inspiration who is going through cancer that may be terminal. I rode my bike to and from work. I listened to worship music in my truck. I spent evenings coaching my junior football players. I spent an evening in the rain with my family watching our high school football team destroy their opponents. I went to the Casting Crowns concert with my family and worshipped my God who gives and takes away. I developed a program to help my coaches in Change YOUniversity grow to the next level. I spent time at my vacation home. I celebrated my being halfway done with radiation treatments by biking 20 miles to my 15th treatment in the sun along Lake Washington.

And somehow the itching doesn’t consume me anymore. Maybe it’s the medicine and the creams. Or maybe it’s a result of continuing to love myself by taking care of myself that has almost eliminated my skin itching.

I just returned from the dermatologist. The biopsy was inconclusive. It might be weeks before my itching is completely gone. But it doesn’t matter. I’ve accepted that I’ll itch and I’ve accepted that we will never know what caused the itching. But it doesn’t matter….

I just completed my 16th radiation treatment and I feel FANTASTIC. My energy is through the roof, the pain from the radiation only reveals itself when I swallow, and it’s not extreme. I’ve lost my sense of taste and about half my saliva. But I feel FANTASTIC.

Why do I feel fantastic? Let’s go back in time to about 10 years ago when I learned a powerful lesson on life

Your system is perfectly designed to get you the results you are getting…

Deming

Fall was coming and I began to feel very anxious that once again I was entering deep depression, the same depression that left me on the couch unable to get up and go to work less than a year earlier.

A few entries in my journal revealed some more clues as to why I was feeling depressed.

9/18/2007

Wellbutrin…started today..

10/03/2007

Woke up this morning and almost in tears for no reason…

10/06/2007

Going to start Lexapro today

10/08/2007

Debbie and I decided that the Lexapro isn’t going to work…just makes me too distant. We’re going to try to stabilize the Wellbutrin by going to SR vs. XL.

 

Also, I’m going to stop being a victim…take walks in the morning, eat right, exercise, change my thought processes.

10/11/2007

Feeling REALLY sad and empty this morning….despair, no hope for the future

10/17/2007

Woke up anxious, called Dad and started to cry. Called Don and started to cry. Is this a spiritual battle?

10/18/2007

This is a spiritual battle, and I’m going to fight it with spiritual weapons! Tears again this morning. Began running in the mornings today.

10/19/2007

Feel better today than I have in a long time. Took 150 Welbutrin XL last night and 150 this morning. Attacking this like a spiritual battle. With HIM I will emerge victorious!

    

I’d decided to try a new medication to help with my depression, Wellbutrin. Unfortunately, the Wellbutrin didn’t help my depression, so I started taking my old medication, Lexapro. A few days later I realized why I stopped taking the Lexapro. It numbed my emotions and it had a very negative impact on or relationship.

Debbie and I had the talk that would change my life and the lives of all the people I influence.

Apathy would say that I was a victim of bipolar and me and my family would suffer the consequences because of this biological condition. After all, I had a good excuse. I was born with bipolar and it was out of my control.

Action would say that I may not have control over my biological conditions, but I have complete control over my actions to minimize the impact.

Apathy or Action

I had a tough decision to make. Was I going to choose to remain apathetic about my condition or was I going to stop being a victim and take action? Pain drives change and I was suffering enormous emotional pain through my depression and anxiety.

I chose action.

I’m going to stop being a victim…take walks in the morning, eat right, exercise, change my thought processes.”

The action I took started with a decision. A decision to start taking care of myself. A decision to start loving myself.

I wish I could say things got better after that decision. They didn’t. In fact only 3 days later I woke up and wrote “Feeling sad and empty this morning….despair, no hope for the future.”

A week later nothing had changed. I was in tears and feeling helpless, full of fear and all alone. I called my dad crying my eyes out.

Then I called my pastor, my friend, and the man who has made a bigger impact on my life than anyone else.

“Don, I can’t stop crying. I’m depressed, full of anxiety and nothing is helping.”

“Damon, I think it’s a spiritual battle and you need to attack it spiritually. Read the book ‘Waking the Dead’, spend time daily in the Bible, pray, and sing your favorite worship music.

The next morning was different. I woke up in tears again, but this time I wasn’t a victim to my tears. I took action. I went for a run (well, actually it was a walk with a short jog in the middle) and during this run I listened to my favorite worship music (very loud) and I verbally spoke a few of my favorite scriptures out loud.

2 Timothy 1:7

“For God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and love and sound mind”

Wow, that felt good. So, I said it again, this time louder.

“For God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and love and sound mind”

It was as if these words penetrated the fear and the anxiety and depression lifted. I stopped feeling like a victim and started feeling hope that I’d be victorious. So I said it again, this time I said it like I believed it!

“For God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and love and sound mind”

The next morning I felt better than I had in a long time. My apathy was gone and now I was taking action.

Attacking this like a spiritual battle. With HIM I will emerge victorious!”

The next morning I continued my routine and wrote in my journal “Feel Good”. And the next morning I did the same and wrote in my journal “Feel Good”. And the next and the next and the next…..

Don was right. It was a spiritual battle and for the first time in 40 years I began winning the battle with my new spiritual weapons of scripture, worship music, time in nature, and taking care of my body by running!!

But God was just getting started with my transformation. That weekend I attended a men’s conference. I cried on the way to the conference, but felt incredibly refreshed on the drive home. God gave me a vision for the purpose of my life at that conference. A vision that ignited a deep passion inside of me. A vision that would utilize everything I’d gone through for my entire life to benefit others. He gave me a vision for developing men.

Proverbs 29:18

“Without a vision the people perish”

This new vision for my life inspired me. I no longer struggled to get out of bed in the morning but began looking forward to my time in the morning to worship, exercise, and be in nature. To nurture the vision He’d given me while I was in the wilderness.

A month later I came across another scripture that explained where I was and where I’d be going.

Jeremiah 17:7-9

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD. “For he will be like a tree planted by the water, That extends its roots by a stream And will not fear when the heat comes; But its leaves will be green, And it will not be anxious in a year of drought Nor cease to yield fruit.”

I was learning how to trust in the Lord. I was building deep roots. He was preparing me for the heat that would come into my life over the coming years, and He was showing me how not to be anxious in this heat and continue bearing fruit in my life.

12/22/2007

Sun lamp in the morning. I like how it makes me feel!

1/3/2008

Started training for a 5k today!

1/9/2008

Sunlamp or running or Wellbutrin are having a consistent effect on my attitude/moods

4/30/2008

Great meeting with my mentor. He pointed out that others are noticing I’m “changing” (e.g. considering others’ needs before my own). God spoke to me in this moment..

6/02/2008

Good weekend. Been feeling pretty good for a long time

 

In the next few months my relationship with Christ grew stronger than it had ever been. I set my alarm for 6:30 a.m. and every morning I got up. I stopped walking outside in the mornings because of the weather but I started going to my chair in the living room. I discovered that I also suffered with S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and that using a sunlamp in the morning had the same impact on me that the sun did. I sat in front of the sunlamp, listened to worship music, read my Bible and my soul was replenished.

A few months earlier I was in tears in the morning. Now I couldn’t wait to get out of bed and nourish my soul!

I continued running and set a goal to run my first 5k. I began running 3-5 times per week and discovered that I always had incredible energy after my runs. I completed my first 5k right after my son, Nathan was born!

Don and I had breakfast a few months later. He shared that the changes in me were obvious. Many people commented to him that I was changing. He shared that I was no longer selfish but becoming selfless. I was putting others needs in front of my own and they were noticing it.

On June 2, 2008 I wrote in my journal:

“Good weekend. Been feeling pretty good for a long time.”

I changed my system and it changed the results in my life. I chose action over apathy. I chose not to be a victim and emerged victorious.

These lessons carried me through my daughter’s struggles with addiction. They carried me through my wife’s battle with cancer. They carried me through my time of being laid off from Microsoft. They carried me through my mother’s sickness and eventual death. They carried me through my wife’s 2nd bout with cancer and they are carrying me through my own bout with cancer.

On October 3, 2007 I was entering severe depression. I woke up with tears in my eyes. That was exactly 12 years ago. I’m writing this on October 3, 2019. My mood swings from bipolar are 100% gone. I have never experienced depression since. I have tons of energy and I’m living the life of my dreams. I’m on my 17th day of radiation treatment and I feel better than the day I started treatment. I feel the sun on my back and I’ve decided that I’m going to bike 22 miles to radiation treatment again today. The doctors tell me that the next 4 weeks are going to be very difficult. You might say I’m entering a season of drought. But I am not anxious. I trust in the Lord. He has carried me before and He will carry me during this season as well.

Thank you Jesus for the lessons you taught me in my pain 12 years ago. Thank you that you didn’t remove my pain until I learned the lessons. Thank you that you helped me turn these lessons into habits, habits that carried me so many times and will carry me in the future. Thank you for the fruit from these lessons. Thank you for the vision that is becoming a reality, the vision of developing men. Thank you for the gift of writing. Thank you for replenishing my soul while I worship you on my bike rides in the sun listening to my favorite music.

And thank you for the cancer that was in my body a few months ago and will never return. If I hadn’t had that cancer I wouldn’t have written this book. Jesus I pray that my experiences will bring glory to you and positively influence those who I influence.

Amen

P.S. I’ve received overwhelming feedback about the inspiration my story is offering people so I’ve decided to write and publish a book. If you’re interested, you can pre-order it here. I’ll be donating 200% of the profits to help raise awareness of treatment options for head and neck cancer.


My interview with Carrie Abbott

A few days ago I was honored to be interviewed by Carrie Abbott at the KCIS radio station here in Seattle for her daily show, Relationship Insights.

What I appreciated most about Carrie was how she made me feel incredibly safe as I sat across from her in a very vulnerable state. As I opened up about the awful things that happened to me as a child she continually reminded her listeners about God’s grace and challenged everyone to face their pain head on.

In part 1 of our interview I talk about my childhood including watching my mom in a drunken rage. I share about her courageous decision to stop drinking, getting locked out of our basement apartment, and living in a park after we were locked out of our home. I share how she had to put us in foster homes so she could get healthy. And I share about the sexual abuse I experienced while in the foster home.

Listen to part 1 of my interview with Carrie Abbott

In part 2 of our interview I talk about how I responded to the pain and abandonment of my childhood. Carrie gently pulled out my most shameful past, a past that I wish I could change but can’t. I share about my anger and domestic violence, culminating in a separation from my first wife when my daughter, Monica, was a year and a half old.  The remainder of the interview talks about how God used my pain to transform me into the man I am today. We talk about Monica’s struggles and eventual victory over drug addiction. We talk about my wife, Debbie-the amazing woman God put into my life, and how we built our relationship on a foundation of trust beginning with sexual purity.

Listen to part 2 of my interview with Carrie Abbott

Thank you, Carrie for all you do and thank you for the opportunity!

Did you know I’ve partnered with LifeWire, the largest provider of comprehensive domestic violence services in the State of Washington?

I’ll donate $20 to LifeWire for every book you purchase on my website!

 

Famous People with Bipolar Disorder

I’m doing some research on bipolar and I was shocked to find this group of famous people with bipolar disorder:

beethoven1

  • Beethoven
  • Winston Churchill
  • Carrie Fischer
  • Mel Gibson
  • Catherine Zeta-Jones
  • Marilyn Monroe
  • Jean-Claude Van Damme
  • Kurt Cobain
  • Frank Sinatra
  • Demi Lovato
  • Edgar Allen Poe
  • Richard Dreyfuss

Bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness) is a neurobiological disorder that severely affects approximately 5.5 million Americans age 18 or older, or 2.6 percent of the adult population. An estimated 51% of individuals with this condition are untreated in any given year.

Bipolar doesn’t have to be debilitating and it doesn’t mean you’re crazy.  You can be wildly successful if you have bipolar, but you have to take full responsibility for treating your bipolar disorder. The list of famous people with bipolar disorder above clearly shows this.

In my book “Pain Drives Change” I share the wreckage bipolar had on my personal life and I share how I overcame it.