7/15/2019

My wife reminded me that I haven’t always had the best oral hygiene. When we were first married I didn’t brush my teeth in the evening because I was too lazy and too tired and clearly didn’t know the impact of not brushing. Somewhere along the way I discovered how important brushing is and started brushing in the evening as well as morning. It seems like it worked. No cavities in decades!

At least I thought it worked. My primary dentist retired about a year ago and I haven’t bothered going back in for my twice a year check-up. However, when my radiation oncologist told me how critical it was to see the dentist I took her advice and scheduled the appointment.

My new dentist introduced herself, she’d been practicing for a few years since graduating. I looked around the office and noticed all the equipment was new. When we took X-Rays they still placed the old-fashioned lead jacket on my chest, but this time the images showed up immediately on the large computer screen in the exam room. I hadn’t really thought about it, but realized how much more effective digital images are. I also realized how much radiation I’ve already been exposed to with multiple CT scans of my head and neck region and now the dental X-Rays.

Cool technology, and great news! I didn’t have any cavities. When my new dentist asked how frequently I floss I let her know that I didn’t floss.

“It shows. You have the early stages of gum disease.”

Once again, the fear creeped in. Not because of gum disease (arguably, my own fault for not flossing regularly…my system is perfectly designed to give me gum disease.) No, the fear creeped in because she reminded me of the dangers of radiation.

Radiation weakens the bone structure in the jaw, and it’s known as Osteoradionecrosis, or bone death due to radiation. The threat of Osteoradionecrosis, ORN for short, put a deep fear in me. ORN reveals itself after a tooth needs to be extracted after you’ve had a certain dose of radiation. The problem is, once the tooth is extracted there is a possibility that the wound will never heal, and it can begin rotting the bone. In some cases, parts of the jawbone need to be surgically removed.

My new dentist reminded me of ORN and reminded me that I needed to improve my oral hygiene immediately. Furthermore, I needed to start brushing with prescription toothpaste 30 minutes after each meal.

A text message with my sister confirmed my fears. Her radiation from 40 years ago resulted in a lot of dental problems.

Your system is perfectly designed to get you the results you are getting

My oral hygiene system of brushing twice a day and not flossing resulted in the start of gum disease. Further neglect of my oral hygiene after radiation treatment would be the perfect system to give me the potential of major problems in the future.

I’ve always struggled with flossing. Not anymore. I purchased 8 toothbrushes and have ordered multiple containers of floss. The toothbrushes are strategically placed so that I always have one at hand after eating. The floss is also strategically placed. Furthermore, I’ve added 3 daily questions to my “morning habits” checksheet to ask if I’ve flossed and brushed the previous day. In the week since seeing the dentist I’ve discovered that my “habit of daily habits” has made it very easy to add a new habit of flossing and brushing after each meal.

My new system is perfectly designed to protect my oral hygiene and should minimize the potential of ORN induced infection. I fully understand the “why” of this change and I’m committed to this new habit for the rest of my life.

But wait…there’s more!

Apologies for the crude picture of my teeth, but I think it makes the point I’m about to make.

“Damon, you have a spot on your gums and I’m concerned about it. I’m not an expert, but I want to make sure it isn’t cancer.”

Whack. Another slap to the face. Immediately my mind started asking questions. Could this be the source of the cancer in my lymph nodes? The cancer they were unable to locate from the surgery and removal of the Stoddard Steak as well as the extraction of my tonsils? If yes, why didn’t they tell me earlier? My mind was racing. I didn’t know whether or not to be elated or deflated.

I called my wife and together we processed ORN, gum disease, and the potential that this new spot on my gums might be cancer. I love you Debbie Stoddard, I can’t imagine walking this journey alone. I’m so blessed to have you as my wife, my life partner as we walk through life “in sickness and health”.

That was Monday night. By Tuesday morning I’d processed this new information. I implemented the new habits of brushing and flossing onto my daily habits checklist, I scheduled my appointment with the oral surgeon for Friday, and I called my nurse navigator. She recommended a follow-up appointment with my ENT specialist and I scheduled that for Thursday.

Forgive me for the tangent, but if you’ve been reading my blogs and/or my previous book you’ll notice a pattern. Pain Drives Change. The only question is how do we respond to change? I’ve learned in my life that pain is a signal that something in the system is broken. I have a choice. Dwell on the pain and let fear engulf me, or accept the pain and allow God to make the changes in me that need to be made.

I choose to accept the pain and respond with action. Action is the best and strongest antidote for fear. I chose action and in this choice my potential suffering from the pain is eliminated. Truth be known, Tuesday (less than 12 hours after my dentist appointment) I felt more energized and optimistic than I have in a long time. By accepting the “pain” I eliminated the suffering.

Suffering=Pain -Acceptance

My friend taught me this a few months ago and it is very profound. When in pain you can easily avoid suffering by simply accepting the situation. Furthermore, you can avoid the despair associated with suffering if you can apply meaning to your suffering.

Despair=Suffering-Meaning

I have decided to face this cancer battle by applying meaning to my brief bouts of suffering from my pain. The meaning I am gleaning from my cancer is crystal clear. I want to use my experience with cancer to provide hope and encouragement to people who are experiencing cancer and to reach people before cancer spreads and inspire them to get it checked. My writing has proven to be an incredible source of meaning for me and the feedback I’ve already received from those who read about it have reinforced how meaningful my journey through cancer is to them.

A friend reached out to me later that day. He’d started reading my book and was reading my blogs. As we sat and talked he shared with me how meaningful my writing was to him. He shared that he had faced difficult situations in the past and responded differently than I am. He shared that he no longer wanted to be like that and my writing was giving him a vision for his future. Thank you, Jesus for providing meaning to my journey through cancer. I pray you would make my journey and story available to anyone that it will help.

Pain Drives Change. Don’t waste your pain by suffering. Accept it. Don’t waste your pain by having no meaning. Use your pain to serve others. I guarantee your perspective will shift dramatically when you take action and act on the meaning behind your pain.

OK. Sorry about that sidebar, I just thought it was important to share. I arrived at my ENTs office Thursday morning. Her office was able to create an opening less than 12 hours after I’d requested it. We talked about the spot on my gums. She quickly looked and said she wasn’t concerned. We talked about ORN. She reminded me that it was a very low likelihood. We talked about saliva loss and the surgery. She looked at me and said “you’ll be fine.”

I left her office relieved and thankful for her expertise in identifying the cancer in my lymph node through the biopsy. I was relieved for a short period of time.

I decided to follow through with the appointment with the oral surgeon the next day. I entered his office and once again was incredibly impressed with his knowledge and compassion. He gave me a fist bump and a thorough oral exam. He confirmed my ENTs diagnosis. No cancer here.

I asked him about ORN. He confirmed it can be bad, but said it is a function of the dosage of radiation and said he’d have to know in order to give me the likelihood of occurrence. He ended the session by offering do it for free. I thanked him and reminded him that I have great insurance so charging wasn’t a problem.

Leaving the office I called my wife and we processed the news. The spot on my gums was not cancer, leaving us where we started a week ago. We didn’t know the source of the cancer. Truth be known, we didn’t even know if I still had cancer. There is a likelihood that the removal of my tonsils also removed the cancer, but they couldn’t find the cancer because it was so early.

As we talked the truth of it all began to set in and I once again started crying. I have cancer, or I at least have a high likelihood of cancer. The experts don’t know exactly where to treat it, but they have a strong belief that my cancer originated in the base of my tongue. So, they’ve devised a treatment plan to maximize the likelihood of eliminating the cancer of unknow primary source. A treatment plan of 6 weeks of radiation with potential side effects of ORN, saliva loss, turkey neck, and 6 weeks of pain that would easily exceed what I’d previously experienced. A treatment plan that should have a high cure rate, but can’t be known for certain because we still don’t know the source.

I decided it was time to do some research. I’ve avoided research up until now because I didn’t want to put survival rate numbers in my head that I couldn’t remove. I couldn’t avoid it any longer, I needed to do the research and understand this type of cancer a little deeper. I needed to understand why it wasn’t located and determine if there were any other known treatment options. I needed to apply the 30 years of professional problem solving and statistical data analysis to my own problem, the problem known as CUPS (Cancer of Unknown Primary Source). And I needed to do it quickly. Monday would be the day when we finalized my treatment plan with the radiation oncologist. My wife agreed and I got to work.

That was Friday. I’m writing this on Monday afternoon after my discussion with the radiation oncologist where we collectively decided to put my radiation treatment on pause and seek an emergency referral with UW Cancer Research. CUPS is very rare (between 1% and 10% of these types of cancers). Because of the rarity my initial research indicated it would be prudent to seek another opinion.

I’ll talk more about my research findings and my path forward in the next blog. Now it’s time to sign-off. I have a date with my beautiful wife and I’m not going to be late!

Thank you, Jesus for guiding my path in this cancer treatment. Thank you for the meaning you’ve helped me see and thank you for the people who are benefitting from sharing my story. Thank you for the peace I am experiencing and thank you that I have a little time to continue researching and get other opinions. Thank you for the people in my life who have encouraged me to seek out different opinions, and thank you for the events leading up to my conviction to do so. Thank you for the quality of care I’ve received up until now and thank you for helping me find this cancer early. Thank you for the opportunity to write. Thank you for the opportunity to apply 30 years of professional problem-solving experience to my own cancer. Thank you for my curious and inquisitive nature and the ability to ask probing questions that many times lead to deeper understanding (even though they drive others crazy at times!). Thank you for the hope I’m feeling now as I wait for the referral appointment with the UW.

As my mom always used to write in her journal, ‘guide me and protect me and my family on this journey’.

“Damon, you must have a guardian angel. It’s a miracle that your cancer was caught so early. I wish all my patients were as proactive as you are.” Nancy (My Nurse Navigator)

A few years ago our church had a family camp in Wenatchee, Washington over the 4^th of July. My good friend, Kyle, was going so we decided to drag our across the mountains and hang out in the baking sun in the middle of the fairgrounds! We had an awesome time that year and discovered a few things that we loved. There is an incredible bike trail (The Apple Loop Trail) that goes around the Columbia River, through the desert, across bridges and into Walla Walla park along the Columbia River. AWESOME would be the understatement of the century. A 25 mile bike loop in the area where I grew up as a kid is soul food. We also discovered the best 4^th of July fireworks show in the park with the Wenatchee Valley Orchestra playing live.

Like many areas of my life, I knew I needed to build a routine around going to Wenatchee every 4^th of July. A “system” of rest and relaxation to fill my soul and bond with my family. The timing this year couldn’t have been better. I was able to start riding my bike again a few days earlier and my body and emotions needed to recover from the trauma associated with my surgery and a few weeks later the discovery that my treatment wasn’t over, it had in fact just begun.

As I write this I’ve just returned from a 4 night camping trip in Wenatchee. I feel rested and at peace. People at work asked me how I’m doing. “100%” I say. Truth is, I feel 110% right now. 110% even though I’m entering a season that promises to be painful. 110% because I proactively built a “system” into my life to recharge. Three long bike rides last week with a brief stop to spill my emotions out to God and experience that fear that creeps in when I allow myself to think of everything bad that will happen.

• What if this is my last bike ride here?
• What if the radiation leaves me with insufficient saliva to ride my bike?
• What if my neck is so stiff from the radiation that I can’t bend it during my bike ride?
• What if……

I apologize for being crude, but years ago a good friend and mentor confronted me when I was stuck in the “What if” loop. He looked me right in the eye when I was looking at all the potential negative outcomes. What if…, What if…, What if….

“Damon, what if monkeys fly out of my butt”. Yeah, it’s possible, anything is possible.

Point taken, Jeff. Thank you for the wake up call so many years ago.

My tears flowed for a few brief minutes and I flushed out the “what if’s” from inside. Something about a good cry that creates freedom. I jumped on my bike and for the rest of the weekend enjoyed my family. Boating and swimming in the ice cold water, ice cream, burgers, Cheeseburger Subs (dang, these are addicting!), boating on Lake Chelan, biking to fireworks with my kids, kayaking in the river, smores over the fire at night, and just hanging out with the people I love the most.

Thank you, Jesus that years ago I discovered the power of systems and began implementing them in my life. Thank you for the system of family vacations in areas we love. The system that came at exactly the right time to rejuvenate me in preparation for the impending radiation treatment.

I’ll talk a bit more about systems later on as I’ve realized over the past few days how critical my personal “systems” are to my long-term health and vitality, particularly after radiation.

Let’s rewind a few days and talk about the news I received as I was driving across the mountains on my way to the camping trip.

My phone rang just outside of Goldbar. I knew the number and was expecting the call, so I quickly answered it hoping that I wouldn’t lose cell signal.

“Damon, it’s Nancy, your nurse navigator. Is now a good time to talk?”. Immediately my heart started racing. I’d been expecting the call as the “cancer board” had met earlier in the day to discuss my case and I was waiting to hear if I needed chemo-therapy in addition to my radiation.

“Damon, I’ve got some really good news and I’ve got some not so good news” Nancy said.

Just a few days earlier I learned most of the details about my cancer and treatment from the radiation oncologist, but not all of.  Nancy was calling me to share the results of the cancer board discussion on whether or not I’d need chemotherapy.

Before I share the news from Nancy’s phone call it’s important to go back to the meeting with the radiation oncologist. For nearly 2 hours my wife and I sat in a very comfortable room talking about my cancer, the treatment, and the side effects.

I entered the room thinking that I’d lose my taste buds forever and lose all saliva production forever. I was confident in overcoming cancer but concerned about the side effects. I left the room elated to hear that food would only taste like cardboard for a few months after treatment. If everything works out, I’ll be able to taste the rolls and Turkey on Thanksgiving.

And I was elated to hear that my saliva production would only go down by 30%. Unfortunately, this would be a long-term effect of radiation.

Now the details. The cancer I have is known as Squamous Cell Carcinoma. I’m going to share some details of what she shared as best as I can remember, but please don’t interpret what I say below as fact. It is simply my recollection of what she shared.

Squamous Cell Carcinoma can be traced to HPV. That’s Human Papillomavirus Infection. Yes, the type that is transmitted through sexual activity and so much more. Today, HPV is considered an epidemic as 90-95% of adults are carrying HPV and most don’t even know it! The incidence of Squamous Cell Carcinoma is on the rise yet it isn’t understood why. All that is known is that HPV sometimes in some people mutates into cancer, Squamous Cell Cancer. Many times 20-30 years after the unknown onset of HPV. How did I get it? Who knows.

The radiologist proceeded to share that there are a few different strains of this carcinoma. The positive strain and the negative strain. The negative strain is difficult to treat and has around a 40% survival rate. The positive strain, however, is very treatable and has a 90%+ success rate.

Guess which one I have? The positive strain. WAHOO!!!! This cancer is the kind that is treatable! I’m elated to hear this news but quickly reminded of the same conversation in the same room six years earlier. My wife also had Squamous Cell Carcinoma and the oncologist stated that “it was the most treatable form of cancer on the planet”. After she was treated with chemo and radiation she was pronounced cancer free and we celebrated. Only to discover 5 years later that it had returned as a new instance of the same cancer that was “the most treatable form of cancer on the planet”. By the grace of God she’s been pronounced cancer free again, but she reminds me often that she is always wondering if it will come back again.

So my cancer is very treatable. That’s the good news. The bad news is that they were unable to find the source of the cancer. My cancer appeared in my lymph node but this type of cancer doesn’t start in the lymph node. It starts somewhere in the head and neck region. Most of the time they are able to identify the source of the cancer and treat it directly.

Most of the time. The source of my cancer was not discovered which only happens 5-10% of the time. So, the data for treatment of a cancer where the source is unknown is sparse.

“We’re going to treat it with radiation. A general dose of radiation in your head and neck area every day for 6 weeks. Fortunately, because you caught it so early we don’t have to have a high dose of radiation we can use a lower dose, but if all goes well you’ll be cancer free and the long term outcome is very very good.”

How painful will it be I asked?

“Your wife’s cancer treatment was the most painful. Yours is right next to it as the most painful form of cancer treatment because of the location in your tongue and throat. The next 3 months are going to be challenging for you.”

I smiled and said “bring it on”.

It’s very treatable, we caught it early, and there are only a few side effects-30% saliva loss, short term taste bud loss, stiffening of my neck, and potentially turkey neck. Finally, she reminded me that I’d want to see a dentist quickly. My bones will be degraded in my head and neck. A tooth extraction after radiation could result in bone rot because it might never heal (I wasn’t concerned about this one because I haven’t had a cavity in years….).

“Damon, I want to bring your case to the cancer board on Wednesday. I want to get everyone’s opinion to make sure that your treatment plan is vetted with everyone. The recommended procedure is either do nothing or radiate. Because we don’t know the source, my recommendation will be to radiate and potentially chemo. We’ll talk on Wednesday and let you know!.”

I can do this I told my wife as we walked out high fiving each other at the great news, excited but anxious about the outcome of the cancer review board on Wednesday.

Wednesday arrived and I got the call I was talking about earlier from Nancy.

“Did they review my case?”

“Oh yeah, they reviewed your case. They spent a lot of time talking about you. The best cancer doctors were there and they talked and talked and talked and reached a consensus about your treatment.”

“And”….

“You were proactive and caught this very early. This is great news. You caught it so early that nobody knows the original source of the cancer. Recall cancer doesn’t start in the lymph nodes, it starts somewhere in your head and neck area. Our most senior doctors (he’ll be your primary oncologist long term) was pretty emphatic that the cancer originated in your tongue and it was simply too early to detect it. All of the oncologists believed that radiating the nasal passages would cause more harm than good so you won’t have to have this treatment. Furthermore, chemotherapy will not be necessary!”

“Wait, let me make sure I understand what you are saying. I won’t need chemotherapy. This is great news. And did I hear you say that I won’t need radiation?”

“No, that’s not exactly true. You won’t need radiation of the nasal passages but you will need radiation in your tongue and throat.”

“Ahh, got it. This is great news (even though I didn’t know it was a possibility that I might need radiation in the nasal area).”

“How did you find this, Damon”

“I had a lump. I was suspicious and went to my primary care physician. He wasn’t worried and gave me Vitamin C and asked me to take it for a week. If the swelling of the lump didn’t go down, to follow-up with a phone call. I scheduled an appointment for the following week. The lump hadn’t gone down. He still wasn’t concerned but prescribed a CAT scan “just to put ME at ease”. A week later, the results of the CAT scan were negative. He referred me to an Ear Nose and Throat specialist. She felt the lump and wasn’t concerned. However, when I shared that my sister had cancer in this area she said she wanted to be “safe” and have it biopsied under ultrasound to ensure no false negatives.”

“A week later it was biopsied and a week after that I got a call from her stating she was shocked, but it was cancer.”

“Wow. Thanks for sharing that story Damon. Now that I have the entire history I want to remind you of how fortunate you are. This cancer is treatable and because you caught it so early it will be eliminated from your body. I’m not sure if you realized it, but the cancer is so early that you are fortunate that the biopsy caught it. There are a lot of cases where cancer is present and a biopsy doesn’t catch it.”

“Damon, you must have a guardian angel. It’s a miracle that your cancer was caught so early. I wish all my patients were as proactive as you are.” Nancy said.

We finished the call by setting a follow-up appointment with the medical oncologist. Furthermore, I shared with her that my friend Ted who has undergone 3 rounds of cancer treatment recommended that I be proactive and get a feeding tube implanted so that if I can’t eat my body will still have nourishment and we won’t be reacting to get it nourishment. She agreed and promised to become my “advocate” behind the scenes to make this happen.

Lord, thank you for watching over me. Thank you that I felt the lump early. Thank you that I pushed through the argument in my head to not take the time off work and get it checked. Thank you that I didn’t listen to the primary care physician and became my own advocate to know about my lump. Thank you that he followed through, realized I needed a specialist, and sent me to her. Thank you that my sister went before me and her cancer inspired me to always have lumps checked. Thank you that the resultant biopsy came back positive when it could have easily been a false negative. Thank you that I was able to have the surgery and today I’m 110% recovered after only 3 weeks. Thank you that the radiologist spent the time with me and my wife and that the doses can be moderate because it was so early. Thank you that I had the blessing of having my case thoroughly reviewed with the cancer board and there were many experts in that room. Thank you for my “Ted talks” where I can learn and be inspired by a friend and man of great faith who has walked this road multiple times before. Thank you for his example of faith in the midst of his own cancer treatment and how it is inspiring my faith and desire to inspire others through my writing and example. Thank you for the rest I received over the weekend. Thank you for my job, my boss, my benefits, my health, my family, my friends, my faith, my church, and the gift of eternal optimism and positivity in the midst of this storm. Thank you in advance that this cancer will be eradicated from my body for eternity and that I will have a story that will bring you glory.

Just one more major hurdle before getting the treatment started! My dentist appointment to learn the long term impact on my oral health from the radiation…..

2 Corinthians 12:7

Therefore, to keep me from becoming conceited, I am forced to deal with a recurring problem….

I love Star Trek. I watched it as a kid. I loved how Bones was always there with his handy dandy medical device. Just wave that wand over someone when they were injured and poof! Just like magic, the ailment was treated, and the patient was miraculously cured.

As an adult, I was so excited when they came out with Star Trek, the movie. You might remember Start Trek IV -The Voyage Home. The crew of the USS Enterprise needed to go back in time to save the whale. Chekhov had a brain injury, and was lying unconscious in the operating room. Bones rushes up to the operating room to find the brain surgeon with a drill. You can hear the drill as the RPMs wind up, preparing to drill a hole in Chekhov’s head to relieve the pressure. Bones looks at the surgeon and has a dialog that I’ve never forgotten (here’s a clip from my favorite scene https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1i3gp_aN1cs)!

“My God man!

Drilling holes in his head is not the answer.

The artery must be repaired. Now put away your butcher knives and let me save this patient before it’s too late!…..we’re dealing with medievalism here! Chemo therapy…..”

He then puts a gadget on Chekhov’s head. Beep beep beep. Chekhov opens is eyes and he’s healed!

Bones, I wish you were here a few years ago when my wife had to undergo chemotherapy and radiation for her first round of cancer treatment. I really wish you were here for the second round of medievalism when they pulled out the butcher knives and carved out the cancer.

me·di·e·val

[ˌmed(ē)ˈēvəl, ˌmēd(ē)ˈēvəl]

Definition: Very old-fashioned or primitive

I must admit, it does seem rather barbaric, old fashioned, and primitive. A small lymph node with a trace of cancer requires surgery? Debbie and I thought nothing of it, maybe a 30-minute procedure with a small incision.

Man were we wrong. It’s been 8 days since the surgery and I finally feel decent enough to write this blog! Medication every 4 hours to stop the pain, unable to sleep more than 2 hours at a time, talking hurts. Outside of a few short walks I haven’t exercised. All as a result of the surgery that left a 6″ scar wrapped halfway around my head!

Nathan and I have a running joke. Every time one of us gets a cut we fist bump each other and say, “man scar”. This started when he was a toddler and smacked into a piece of re-bar from sledding. It left a heck of a man scar on his face; he still has the scar today! Right before Debbie drove me to the hospital, I gave Nathan a fist bump and told him I was going to get a serious man scar. He smiled.

When the doctor came in, I joked with her saying “I’d like a man scar please. Not a wimpy incision but a real man scar”. She pulled her surgery pen out and sketched a line halfway around my neck. I smiled and said, “are you serious”. She said she was serious. Surgery was going to be nearly 3 hours!

They wheeled me into the operating room. I smugly said, “I don’t feel any anesthetic”. A minute later (it was nearly 3 hours) I opened my eyes.

The next few hours were a blur, but I remember only wanting to see my wife. She stood by my bed giving me ice as I moaned from the pain in my throat where they’d removed my tonsils.

I love you Debbie Stoddard. You are always by my side, no matter what. You have cared for me selflessly and been strong when I struggled with the pain over the last few days. I don’t know where I’d be without you. You are amazing. Thank you!!!!

This picture above shows my “Man Scar” a few hours after surgery. The red tube is my bodily fluids being sucked out.

As Bones would say, “Cutting him open with a 6″ opening and removing a chunk of Stoddard steak isn’t the answer”.

Unfortunately, Bones would have been right. Yesterday we finally received the pathology results. It turns out the “Stoddard steak” that was removed from my neck contained 3 lymph nodes. We knew one of the nodes was cancerous. They discovered another node was also cancerous, but the 3^rd node was cancer free. The cancer had started to spread, and the biopsy of the Stoddard steak revealed this. Fortunately (or unfortunately) the biopsy of my tonsils and the samples from my tongue didn’t reveal any cancer.

What does this mean I anxiously asked the doctor on the phone? It’s good news, Damon. The prognosis for these situations is very good. Unfortunately, however, your treatment isn’t over. We’ll talk more about it on Thursday. For now, suffice it to say that you’ll need radiation of your mouth and throat areas.

But what will they radiate? If there is no cancer, why radiate? Medievalism as Bones would say. Unfortunately, that’s the state of our understanding of this type of cancer and the only known cures are akin to medievalism! The butcher knives weren’t enough to remove all the cancer so now we resort to burning hot coals!! Radiation, that is. Radiation that literally fries all the tissue it touches, much like a medieval torture chamber with burning coals applied to the interior of my mouth and throat. A torture that I’m guessing will last for 4 to 6 weeks.

OK…enough sarcasm. In all honesty, it’s true. Cancer treatment options are still very limited-butcher knives (surgery), poison (chemotherapy), and hot coals (radiation). But it’s the best we have, and I thank God for the doctors that found this and their wisdom for the best-known treatment available to man today. Cut out a piece of Stoddard Steak and fry all remaining tissue that could have been the source of the cancer in the lymph nodes.

My doctor tells me that cancer doesn’t originate in the lymph nodes, it jumps there from somewhere else. Either the throat or the tongue or the tonsils. Since they were unable to detect it in my throat or tonsils or tongue, they are left with no options except to believe that it is so microscopic in the tissues that they can’t detect it. To make sure it doesn’t grow, they’ll nuke the tissue and kill any cells that might have cancer. Unfortunately, they’ll also kill some other cells. Namely the cells that produce saliva and the cells that help me taste food.

Yesterday was a tough day to say the least. I didn’t know whether I should rejoice or cry. Rejoice because cancer is removed or cry because I’m about to undergo some major radiation? Being honest, yesterday was perhaps the hardest day that I can remember in a very long time. Let me take a minute to explain why it was so hard to try and pull all this together.

It boils down to 1 simple word. Fear. Yes, the same fear that I talked about in my last blog, and so exuberantly stated I wasn’t experiencing. But this time the fear is different than anything I’ve ever experienced. This time it wasn’t the fear of loss or the fear of emotional pain. I’ve been through those and I wrote about my journey in my first book. My wife reminded me last night what this fear was about.

THE FEAR OF PHYSICAL PAIN

She reminded me that I’ve never really experienced much physical pain, so this is going to be a battle unlike any I’ve faced. Truth be known, I have faced a little bit of physical pain. It’s been almost constant for the last 8 days. Not severe (at its worst it was a 6 on a scale of 1-10). But it’s been there for 8 days. Sometimes it goes away, and I feel normal. But I’m reminded of it when it’s time to eat (I’ve lost 5 pounds this week because it’s been so difficult to eat). I’m reminded of it when I talk. I’m reminded of it when I try to sleep (I’m a back sleeper but am unable to sleep on my back right now because when I do my throat doesn’t have sufficient room for me to breath and I begin to gag feeling like I’m about to suffocate). So, I sleep on my side, but every few hours I wake up (laying on my back) unable to breathe easily. I get up, drink my ice water, take some medicine, eliminate the water that has accumulated in my bladder, and lay back down on my side. A few hours later, the process begins again.

No, it hasn’t been awful. It’s been uncomfortable, and I’ve been excited that it was about to be over because I was healing. But then I got the call. As I processed it, I realized that what I’ve been going through the last 8 days will start all over again in a few weeks. Except this time, it won’t be over in 8 days. It might be over in 6-8 weeks. I don’t know for sure; I’ll find out tomorrow.

Yes, I’m experiencing fear of the impending physical pain. I held my son last night with tears in my eyes and I told him I was scared of the pain, but that I would be ok. I told him it was ok to have emotions as a boy and I showed him through my own tears that I was experiencing deep emotions. Lord, protect Nathan during this season. Let him learn lessons about you through me and his mom’s battles with cancer that will grow his faith and help him be a man who fully trusts you.

Yes, I’m experiencing fear of the impending physical pain. I held my daughter in my arms as she sobbed uncontrollably, afraid of her dad experiencing this pain. Worried that they wouldn’t get all the cancer and that I might die. I reassured her that I wasn’t going to die but that I was choosing to focus on all of the good versus the bad that could happen. In my fear I comforted her and showed her how I am choosing to handle a situation that is completely out of my control. Lord, protect Noelle during this season. Give her peace and comfort. Help her to learn from her mom and I how to relinquish control and trust you in the seasons of her life when things happen that are out of her control. Help her become a woman who fully trusts you.

Yes, I’m experiencing fear of the impending physical pain. I won’t be able to effectively coach my son’s football team and I likely won’t be able to go salmon fishing with him and my father in law.

CANCER SUCKS!

However, my treatment and prognosis for a successful recovery are much better than the alternative….

A mentor reminded me of all the people who go through what I’m going through and don’t have Jesus. WOW. Where would I be without my faith right now?

My wife reminded me of all the people that go through this and are all alone, without family. WOW. Where would I be without my family and friends right now?

My banker reminded me today of all the people who hear the news and have NOBODY to help. WOW.

Thank you, Jesus, for all the blessings you’ve bestowed upon me and my family.

Thank you that I have a family that loves me, that I have great medical insurance, that I have great doctors.

Thank you that my cancer was caught early, and that the Stoddard steak removed another lymph node with cancer.

Thank you that I have a wife who is caring for me and making sure that I am fed, and my medication is taken at the right time to minimize my pain. Thank you for her example of fully trusting and surrendering to you in her own battle with cancer and how she’s taught me to have faith in her own struggles with pain.

Thank you for my boss who texts me every couple of days and asks how I’m doing.

Thank you for my job that is paying for me to be off work and recover. Thank you for my medical benefits that are paying for the treatment.

Thank you for the men who laid hands on me and prayed before my surgery and for the men who stopped by and said hi to me.

Thank you for my counselor and friend who stopped right before surgery and gave me a flower and prayed over me.

Thank you for my home and my backyard and gas firepit where I can sit and be warm and feel the peace of God that transcends all opportunity.

Thank you for the opportunity to write about this and the opportunity to inspire other people who might be struggling through the platform you’ve given me to reach many people.

Thank you in advance for the lives that will be saved because they randomly read this blog and were inspired to have that lump checked.

Thank you for my wife whose best friend is alive because my wife shared her cancer story, and for her cancer (the same that I have) being cured, and thank you for her encouraging texts to my wife for me as I undergo the same treatment she did.

Thank you that you, Jesus, endured more physical pain than I will ever endure and because of it the sins of my past are completely wiped clean and I have more peace and joy than I ever deserved.

And Jesus, thank you in advance for this new thorn in my side called cancer. Thank you that my faith is re-ignited whenever I’m in pain and see the opportunity to use my pain not only for my personal growth but also for the growth of those who will one day be enduring the same hardship I am currently undergoing.

Thank you that my mom so many years ago taught me through her example to be thankful for everything through her daily journal writing. Thank you that she is in heaven with you and is no longer experiencing her pain.

When I heard the news yesterday, I had a choice to make? I could choose to focus on everything bad that will happen because of the radiation or focus on everything good that will come from it, and I allowed myself to focus on the fear for a short period of time. This fear paralyzed me.

Today, I choose faith. Even though Bones can’t put the magic gadget on my neck and instantly cure this cancer I still choose faith. I choose to be thankful and focus on everything good, right, lovely and pure….and because of it the peace of God is with me!