Category Archives: Pain Drives Change

Lessons learned, Microsoft, Pain Drives Change, Personal Growth, Psychological Safety

Leaving the Liminal-My Journey to Rediscover my Purpose

January 12, 2024 Damon Stoddard

I’ll never forget the day. It was May 8, 2023. I logged onto my computer, excited for the upcoming week of learning at Microsoft. I had no idea what the meeting titled “Urgent Business Meeting” meant, but I joined, excited to hear about any new changes. I joined the meeting, shocked to hear that my role and numerous others had been eliminated. My last day at Microsoft would be July 7, 2023. Ironically, 8 years prior, on July 8, 2015, I was also notified that my job had been eliminated from Microsoft.

In 2015 I was full of gratitude and wrote a blog “Thank you Microsoft and Goodbye“. The blog went viral, I spent the next 5 months writing my first book, Pain Drives Change, in 45 days and enjoying my family. I loved Microsoft and reached out to a friend. This friend mentioned her GM had seen my blog and “wanted people like me” on the team. A few weeks later, I interviewed, and a job was created for me. I was ecstatic!
My next 8 years at Microsoft were unquestionably the most meaningful years of my career. When I was notified in 2023 that my job was eliminated, I was once again filled with gratitude, and wrote another blog with the same title, “Thank you Microsoft and Goodbye“.

I’ll be forever grateful for the 20 years I served at Microsoft. I tell people that Microsoft is the best company on the planet, and I still believe this with all my heart, despite the temporary pain of being suddenly let go. Pain drives change, and I vowed to let the pain of this layoff change me and set the direction for the rest of my life. I’ve watched God’s hand work in my life and so many other people’s lives in the midst of pain, and I’ve learned to find joy in the pain as the Bible speaks to:

James 1:2-4 “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

My wife and I went to lunch after I was notified of my layoff in 2023. Once again, she was in disbelief. I told her we’d be fine, but that I was going to reach out to the inner circle of men in my life, a group of men that I’d trust with my life, the group of men that I’d selected years earlier to be a part of a men’s group where we could encourage and inspire one another to live a life of significance.

I called Dave, one of my most trusted friends. He’d retired only a few months earlier, and I’d walked with him as he prepared for retirement the year before and was navigating the early months of retirement. His words were profound. “Damon, welcome to the liminal season of your life. I’ve been walking it for a year, and it’s been one of the most painful and rewarding years of my life. You’ll be tempted to jump into something new to avoid the pain, but don’t. Give yourself at least 6 months and wait on the Lord. When the time is right, He’ll reveal to you what you are to do for the rest of your life. But prepare yourself, it’s going to be one of the most difficult things you’ve ever done. I’m walking the same path but I’m a few months ahead of you. Feel free to reach out at any time for emotional support. I don’t think your layoff was a setback, I think it was a set-up by God so you can bring the wisdom from your life experiences to the world.”

WOW. Dave, your words couldn’t have been more true. I’ve taken your advice, and I took the last 7 months off. For the first time in my life, I chose to intentionally be unintentional, a foreign concept to me.

I’ve been intensely intentional for my whole life. In a conversation with another one of the men in my group, Chuck, he said “Damon, you’ve been maniacally intentional and focused ever since I met you“. I’m going to share some examples of this maniacal intentionality, not to boast about my accomplishments, but to shed light on how difficult it would be for me to be intentionally unintentional.

In high school I realized that if I wanted to go to college, I’d have to figure out how to pay for it. So, I intentionally pursued every extracurricular activity I could find because I knew these activities were critical to winning scholarships to college. As a result, I won 7 scholarships which paid for my first 2 years of college.
After 2 years in college, I realized an internship was my only path to paying for the remainder of my education, so I moved to Seattle to attend UW. A few months later, I found that internship at Sundstrand Data Control. I loved working there so much that I worked 30 hours per week AND obtained my Mechanical Engineering Degree.
I continued working at Sundstrand and intentionally pursued promotion. I became the youngest engineering manager in the company.
When I learned about Six Sigma, I intentionally focused and became the fastest person to certify as a Master Black Belt in 13 months.
When my second daughter, Noelle, was born I took 6 weeks off from Microsoft and built an addition on my house with my brother.
When I was 39, I was asked to lead the small groups ministry at my church. I worked full-time, had a young family, and successfully built the small group system from 3 groups to 33 groups in 18 months.
When I turned 40, I decided it was time to permanently lose the extra weight, so I intentionally began running and biking 5-6 times per week.
A few years later, I decided I wanted to do a triathlon, but I didn’t know how to swim. I intentionally focused on swimming, and a year later I swam across Lake Roosevelt and back (2.4 miles!)
When I was laid off from Microsoft in 2015, I wrote my first book in 45 days.
When I turned 50, I intentionally built Change YOUniversity while working full-time, raising a family, and acting as the VP of Culture for one of the premiere junior football programs in America.
When I got cancer in 2019, I intentionally kept exercising and wrote my second book as I went through cancer, riding my bike 15 miles to the UW on my final day of radiation treatment!

As you can imagine, the idea of living without intentionality, even for a season, was terrifying. After all, up until this point in my life, I’d allowed myself to be defined by my accomplishments, and I’d unknowingly allowed the pursuit of my accomplishments to become a sometimes-addictive agent, numbing the devastating pain that my body still held from a childhood of extreme trauma (I’ll write about this in depth in the future).

The liminal space is defined as “the space between what is and what will happen next”….and according to experts, “it has a major effect on our mental health” and “when you are in a place of unknowing, that can be massively scary, uncomfortable, and create anxiety.” I’ve simplified this statement as follows:

Uncertainty produces anxiety, but predictability brings peace.

I’m going to be brutally honest and vulnerable here. The last 7 months of being intentionally unintentional and remaining in the liminal space have easily been some of the most difficult but rewarding times of my life. The uncertainty about my future has produced enormous, almost unbearable anxiety. My fear of my unknown future has been debilitating at times. But I’ve chosen to listen to the counsel of the people in my life that I trust and remain in the liminal space until God showed me the path out. In these dark times I’ve found enormous hope in the stories of countless people that God has put in the liminal space (many times referred to as the wilderness) before using them for His glory.

I’ll write more about how God softened my heart and strengthened the most important relationships in my life during this season, but for now, suffice it to say that it’s once again abundantly obvious that only God could orchestrate this season so that He could do the work in me that only He knew I needed.

Ironically, the work that I’m most proud of at Microsoft happened over the last 3 years, ultimately culminating in a proven process enabling individuals and teams to thrive that is being used by hundreds of thousands of teams across the world.

And it’s the findings from this work on thriving that made my liminal season even more painful. The research is abundantly clear, thriving at work is best measured by the energy you feel from the work by asking the simple question “I was excited to work every day last week.” And the core drivers of being excited (energized) by your work occur when 2 things are present:

The work is aligned to your purpose (e.g. calling, reason to live, why you wake up in the morning). The Japanese call this Ikigai.
You are using your God given strengths at least 20% of your time at work every day.

The most poignant research I discovered from the Blue Zones project:

Knowing your purpose can add 7 years to your life.

Belonging to a shared purpose can add 14 years to your life.

This statistic haunted (and inspired) me nearly every day of the past 7 months. The more I thought about it, the more anxious I became.

What is my purpose?
How can I use my strengths to fulfill this purpose?
How can I find belonging in this purpose?
And the most difficult question of all. “If I don’t find and pursue this purpose, will I ever be able to enjoy life with the anxiety I’m constantly feeling?”

I called Dave countless times, full of tears. He kept assuring me that God would reveal His purpose in His time, and not to rush through this season, but allow the season to shape my character. So, I kept waiting.

A few months ago, I started getting some signals of my purpose:

A former co-worker, Ellen, found me on LinkedIn and asked me if I’d be a guest on her show. She shared that my cancer story had inspired her.
A few weeks later, I was invited to speak at the Institute for Sustainable Diversity and Inclusion on psychological safety. Effenus, the co-director, found me through a random search on LinkedIn. We had an initial call, and I watched the excitement grow as my passion for psychological safety exuded. I’ll be giving my talk on psychological safety in March!
A close friend reached out and asked if I wanted to co-host a podcast with him; a podcast whose purpose was not to sell, but to serve by sharing our experiences in life!

For the first time in months, I found myself excited and energized about the opportunities! I began thinking about how I could add the most value during these talks, and found myself dreaming about the opportunities again!

Ellin and I recorded our conversation yesterday on psychological safety. I shared my journey through cancer, and how Erinn, a co-worker who I fully trusted, listened as I shared my fears about cancer and work, and how her words inspired me to do the research that may have ultimately saved my life. I watched as Ellin listened in awe and was inspired by my story, and I experienced a level of energy and purpose unlike I’d felt in years.

Later that day, I told my wife that I’d felt dead emotionally for months, but today I felt alive.

God is finally bringing me out of the liminal space and into the promised land, and my purpose is becoming more and more clear.

Adding value to people’s lives

It’s the same purpose I’ve had since 2001, but this time it’s becoming even more clear to me…

I add value to people’s lives, inspiring them by vulnerably sharing the transformative impact of my life experiences.

My first book, Pain Drives Change, has inspired countless people to change because I vulnerably shared how God used the pain of a very dark season to transform me.

My second book, Apathy or Action, has inspired people by offering them hope and inspiration to take action because I vulnerably share my cancer story.

My third book on psychological safety will inspire people to change because I will vulnerably share my own story of how psychological safety has impacted my life and the lives of countless others.

My fourth book, From Protection to Connection, will inspire people to break the generational impact from trauma in their lives because I will vulnerably share my 25-year journey of overcoming childhood trauma and striving to break the generational curses in my family and the families of hundreds of men I coached in my organization, Change YOUniversity.

I’ve learned a lot as I’ve journeyed through the liminal space the last 7 months. The fear and anxiety I regularly felt because I’d forgotten my purpose and chose to be intentionally unintentional was debilitating at times. However, I won’t waste this pain, because I know there are countless people who have either forgotten their purpose or never discovered their purpose, and if my pain can add value to even one of these people’s lives it was worth it.

I’d love your feedback-did this blog add value to your life? How else can I add value to you?

Apathy or Action, Bipolar, Cancer, Family, Microsoft, Pain Drives Change, Personal Growth

Thank you, Microsoft, and Goodbye…

May 18, 2023 Damon Stoddard 5 Comments

This is going to be tough. I’ve been putting it off as long as I could, but this morning the tears started flowing and I knew it was time to write my goodbye letter.

I’m sitting in the Commons at Microsoft, the same place I discovered a procedure that likely saved my life from cancer 4 years ago. If it weren’t for the relationships, resources, and benefits from Microsoft I might be dead, and I’d certainly not have the life I never dreamed possible.

I’m overwhelmed with gratitude for my 20 years, and I want to express that gratitude in no uncertain terms. Overcoming bipolar, a child with addiction, my wife’s cancer twice, my first layoff in 2015 and the resultant book and coaching organization that’s positively impacted hundreds of lives, overcoming cancer myself and writing my second book, and finally the discovery of psychological safety that has impacted hundreds of teams at Microsoft and countless lives across the world….these are the most significant events that I can thank Microsoft for. Thank you, Microsoft!

When people hear that I was impacted by the layoffs, they always say “I’m sorry”. I thank them for their sentiment, but quickly let them know there’s no reason to be sorry. I’ve been blessed beyond my wildest dreams through the experience, and I’m overwhelmed with gratitude. Gratitude is my deepest emotion since hearing the news, and with every passing day I feel more grateful. I still believe Microsoft is the best company on the planet to work for, and I’m eternally grateful for the last 20 years.

I’d like to share a bit of my journey with Microsoft here, hopefully it will inspire you to take a moment and reflect on the blessings in your own life, particularly in the darkest moments. I’ve spoken with many of you, and you’ve shared how devastating it is to hear of me and your peers losing jobs. I want to encourage you to shift your focus to thankfulness for what you still have at and because of Microsoft.

I started Microsoft in 2003 before I married Debbie. Neither of us could imagine the blessings we would experience because of Microsoft. Microsoft and each of my managers have walked beside us and supported us in the most difficult seasons of our lives. The experiences and learning have shaped me and everyone I interact with. The opportunities and learnings will open doors for me to fulfill my true calling in life for the rest of my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I survived the dark winter of 2007 when I was so depressed that I couldn’t get out of bed to go to work because of my bipolar illness. In the ensuing years, Microsoft’s health benefits inspired me to begin exercising regularly, a habit I’ve continued for 15 years that has fully stabilized my bipolar and provided the energy to carry me through the ups and downs of life.
I survived the darkest days of my life when my daughter struggled with addiction. The overwhelming support from my manager, Jesse, and the benefits enabled her to fully overcome her addiction.
- Years later, I received the same level of support to help her diagnose and stabilize from her own diagnosis with bipolar. Her life is completely different today and she’s studying to be a therapist because Microsoft gave me the time to support her in her darkest season and provided the benefits to get her the help she needed.
We survived my wife’s first bout with cancer in 2013. The world class benefits paid for the treatment she needed. Thanks to my manager, Carol, for providing the support and flexibility we needed so I could care for her and our children when needed.
We survived a layoff in 2015. The generous severance I took 5 months off to write my first book, Pain Drives Change, in 45 days. These 5 months allowed me to spend time with my mom before she died just 2 weeks after I returned to Microsoft in December 2015. Thank you, Nathalie, and Sean, for creating the role that I’ve been blessed with over the last 7 years.
We survived my wife’s 2^nd bout with cancer in 2018. This time Microsoft’s new family leave benefit allowed me 6 full weeks off to fully care for her and the children. Thank you, Sean, for your support during this season.
We survived my bout with cancer in 2019. I had no idea that the data analysis skills I learned in 2008 as the Xbox 360 Quality Manger would help me analyze the research and discover the cure to my cancer. I might be dead today if I didn’t have my team member and future manager, Erinn, who I felt safe enough with to share my cancer fears with, and her ensuing advice to take time for myself to research this cancer.

I wrote my second book, Apathy or Action, as I went through cancer. I had no idea that this book would inspire so many, including more than 15 people who are writing and publishing their own books that are inspiring others. All because of the opportunity Microsoft availed me to offer coaching through MS Auction!

When I returned to work in 2020 after surviving cancer, I worked with my manager, Sean, to pivot my work and align it with the strengths he saw in me. Thank you, Sean, for the opportunity to study productivity and begin coaching teams and individuals through my learnings. This pivot has resulted in the most fulfilling 3 years of my entire career, a season of significance where I added value to countless lives.

Thank you, Erinn for casting the vision that’s being realized, that I would be known as the psychological safety expert within Microsoft, and that I would speak and inspire people around the world.

My discovery and understanding of psychological safety has literally changed my life and the lives of countless people. It’s changed my marriage and my relationships with my kids. It’s changed the lives of hundreds of teams in Microsoft and hundreds of thousands of teams in the 62,000 organizations that are using the tooling I built with Engin. It’s changed hundreds of men that I’ve coached to break generational curses in my coaching organization, Change YOUniversity, creating a safe space to be vulnerable and heal from childhood trauma.

As I began speaking across Microsoft and hearing how my story, psychological safety, and the process I developed to improve it inspired others, I knew I’d been blessed with experiences, information, and tooling that could literally improve every person on the planet. My work quickly transformed from work to a calling.

A friend said it best. This layoff isn’t a setback, it’s a set-up. I’m more excited about my future than ever, a future where I’ll fulfill my true calling, and an opportunity to reach countless more people than if I’d remained employed by Microsoft.

Thank you, Microsoft. Thank you, Russ, Maren, Mark, Paul, Jesse, Carol, Paul, Sean, Erinn, Dawn, and Myron, for being managers I could fully trust and for enabling me to apply my strengths to help countless people. Thank you, Kristen, for the world-class benefits and your ongoing encouragement to me. Thank you, Nathalie, for allowing me to be a part of your team for 7 incredible years. Most of all, thank you to all my co-workers for your friendship and ongoing encouragement to use the gifts God’s given me to inspire others. I’ll miss the comradery and relationships the most.

Please connect with me on LinkedIn, and if I’ve added any value to your life through the years, please share this post to your network on LinkedIn. I’d love to have you join my group on LinkedIn, Thriving in Work and Life and we’ll build a community to inspire each other. Finally, if you’d like to hear about my new books on psychological safety at work and another on overcoming trauma when then come out, please sign up here.

Thank you, Microsoft, and goodbye.

Damon

Pain Drives Change

Humbled Part II-A Stronger Marriage That Can Pour Into Others

April 29, 2021 Damon Stoddard

And the things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable people who will also be qualified to teach others. 2 Tim 2:2

I’m flying home after spending the weekend in Oklahoma and Texas, spending time with a few men and their families who are coaches in Change YOUniversity. I’m beyond humbled as I reflect on the profound impact that Change YOUniversity has had on these men, their families, clients, and countless other people through these men’s decision to do everything possible to save their families.

Part II is my experience with Mike and his wife Jody from a few days ago..

“I’m hungry, let’s get dinner” I said to Mike and his wife Jody after spending a few hours in their beautiful home on 5 acres in Oklahoma, the same home that Jody moved out of barely a year and a half earlier after her counselor helped her realize that Mike was verbally and emotionally abusing her for their entire marriage.

We enjoyed dinner at a restaurant in the same town Jody grew up in. After dinner I asked if they’d show me the domestic abuse shelter that Jody was now the executive director of. She told me they were cautious to hire her a few months ago because she was a former client…..

We walked around the building and Jody showed me the office of her counselor that had walked her through her challenges with Mike and given her the courage she needed to separate from Mike the 2^nd time 16 months ago.

Then she began sharing the stories of the women and children that come for the services her organization offers. Women with black eyes and bruises all over their bodies. Women who have no cloths on their backs and can’t feed their children. Women who are scared for their lives and have lost all hope.

She showed me the room where men who are court ordered to attend a BIP “Batterer’s Intervention Program” attend mandatory classes every week. And she showed me the office of the counselor that ran the BIP was retiring. The emotional toil was too great to handle.

She shared her vision, and she continually said “I didn’t know what God was up to, but He did.”

“Let’s get dessert, I’m hungry for dessert” I said.

I sat across from Mike and Jody, watching them laugh and hold hands and recount their story from barely a year earlier. Jody shared that Mike was controlling and dominating in his words and actions. How she’d closed herself of to him because she didn’t feel safe with him. She shared how she was ready for divorce, but how God reminded her of a vision he’d given from piece of paper she had in her Bible. It was from a sermon she’d heard only a few months before they separated. A vision of a marriage that would pour into others, strong God fearing children, a debt free oasis, strong unbreakable bond with God, a clear calling, and missions.

And she shared how she saw this piece of paper as she was contemplating divorce from Mike.

I watched Mike as he listened, realizing it was only because of the mighty hand of God that they were together and sitting there with me.. He recounted the feelings of abandonment he’d felt when she said she wanted a divorce and left him alone in the dream house they’d build a few years earlier. He shared how in his hopelessness he cried out to God and how God put a Facebook ad in front of him. How he’d called and talked to Jace, another coach in Change YOUniversity. He shared how he couldn’t afford Change YOUniversity but how he knew that if he didn’t do it his marriage would certainly be over. And he shared how he trusted God and God provided the means.

I watched them sit in awe, listening to their own story and how only God knew the future. How they’d trusted God and worked on themselves, not knowing if their marriage would survive or be over.

Mike shared how Change YOUniversity and his coach, Ron had challenged him and held him accountable to change himself and do the hard work to change the parts of him that he didn’t even know existed until Jody left.

And he shared about the conversation he and Jody had after she called him out of the blue, having seen the sermon notes she’d scribbled a few months earlier. He recalled how slowly they began rebuilding their relationship, and how Jody began noticing a change in Mike. And she recalled him saying she’d changed too, but how she reminded him that she hadn’t changed, she was the same person she’d always been but because he’d changed she was now comfortable with allowing him to see all of her.

“God has fulfilled that vision, Jody” I said. They looked at each other and realized in a very short period of time, God had fully fulfilled the vision he’d laid out in the darkest season of their lives.

I looked at them with tears in my eyes. “I can’t believe what I’m seeing. 21 years ago I put a camera on a tripod in my darkest hours of despair and proclaimed that one day I was going to use my pain to help others overcome their pain. I didn’t know how it would happen, but I trusted God and He used my pain to change me.

I recalled sharing my book, Pain Drives Change, with Ron 5 years earlier before it was published in hopes that it would help him as he navigated the painful waters of his wife asking for a divorce after nearly 30 years of marriage. And I recalled Ron pouring into Mike as Mike navigated the painful waters of potentially his 3^rd divorce. Ron challenged Mike to fully surrender and trust God with the outcome, and walked beside him every step of the way.

Earlier that day Mike introduced me to his pastors as he shared his passion to help other men change themselves so they could save their own families and generations. And he shared how the assignment from Change YOUniversity to meet with 5 Godly men brought him to Pastor Mike who boldly proclaimed the truth that Mike had to stop blaming everyone else and take responsibility for changing his own actions. This assignment came from the impact of the Godly men, Steve and Bob, that God put in my own life and spoke the truth to me as I tried to blame everyone else for my own problems.

The next morning I told them how proud I was of them and how honored I was to be in their lives. I told Jody the incredible impact she was having on these women who were hopeless, and I shared that it brought me back to my own childhood and wondered “where would I be if my mom had found a shelter like the one Jody was leading?”

Then I felt prompted to read my own mom’s story from my book. I choked back the tears as I read the letter my mom had written about how she had to give her children up because we were homeless after she fled with 38 stitches in her forehead, afraid that he was going to kill her.

“Jody, you are fulfilling your calling that God had you write down barely a year ago. I’m sitting in that debt free oasis that you wrote about. I believe that God is going to use both of you in unfathomable ways to impact lives through your own stories.”

Mike then talked about his own clients, how he was challenging them the way he’d been challenged, and how he was watching them grow as husbands and fathers. He talked on the phone with Jason, a coach in training who was beginning to reconcile with his wife and was ready to begin coaching his own clients.

I asked Mike and Jody if I could pray for them before I left to visit Josh. We sat on the back porch of their beautiful oasis in the fields of Oklahoma with a warm breeze blowing. I thanked God for the pain He’d brought me through, for the vision he’d given me, for the gift of being laid off from Microsoft to write my book, and the inspiration for Change YOUniversity. I thanked Him for Jace who talked to Mike when he called us and challenged him that if it was God’s will, he’d provide the money. I thanked Him for Ron and his obedience to grow closer to Him and for his coaching of Mike in this difficult season. I thanked him for Mike and his obedience and for Jody and her courage to walk away and trust God with the outcome. And I thanked him in advance for the impact they would have on so many people because of their obedience and faith in Him.

As we drove away from their oasis to get my rental car I asked Mike and Jody if they were ready to begin pouring into the couples who were beginning to reconcile because of what the men had learned and implemented in their own lives to change. I shared that I didn’t know exactly how it would happen, but that I trusted God to lead the way. They agreed that God was calling them and said they were ready to watch Him work. I created a coaching account for Jody and gave her my only copy of my book, Pain Drives Change, so that she could begin learning the same things that Mike had learned to change himself in Change YOUniversity.

Thank you Jesus for my pain and how you changed me through it. Thank you for Jace’s pain and how you changed him through it and gave him the conviction from his own change to challenge Mike to join Change YOUniversity. Thank you for Ron’s pain and how he chose to follow you through it. Thank you for Ron coaching Mike to keep his focus on Jesus and let God work on Jody. Thank you for Jody and her courage to walk away from the emotional abuse and get help, and for trusting you with the outcome. Thank you that you are using her experience to bear fruit as the leader of the facility she now leads. Thank you for Mike and his willingness to stop blaming everyone else for the problems in his family but to accept full responsibility. And thank you for how he us using his change to challenge other men who are now challenging other men to do the same. And thank you in advance for the countless families who will be transformed because of Mike and Jody’s miraculous story of redemption and hope.

If you are ready to fight for your family and give your marriage the best chance of surviving, give us a call. We’ve helped dozens of men like you change and save their families for generations!

Click to Schedule a Free Call

Pain Drives Change

Humbled Part I -Breaking Generational Curses

April 26, 2021 Damon Stoddard

April 25, 2021

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 1 Corinthians 1:3-4

Part 1 is my experience with Josh and his boys from today

“My kids love IHOP, do you mind?” Josh asked.

“Not at all! Let’s do it” I said.

Gunner, Josh’s 12-year-old son asked to sit by me. Chase, his 10-year-old son sat across from me and by his dad, Josh.

Josh and I were talking over pancakes at IHOP about what he’s learning and how God is working in his life. I watched as Josh gently but lovingly asked Chase not to interrupt. A few minutes later, I observed Chase gently placing his hand on his dad’s tattooed arm, indicating that he wanted to share something. Josh then gently affirmed Chase, saying how proud he was for not interrupting and asking how he could help.

I couldn’t resist. I’d observed Chase the night before, tired from a long day’s drive and hungry because I was a few hours late for our visit. He struggled with not interrupting, but every time he struggled, Josh lovingly and gently asked him to be patient. Never yelling, never condescending, but always firm and loving.

“Chase, can I share something” I asked.

“Sure.”, he said.

“Put your phone down and look Mr. Stoddard in the eye” Josh said as Chase laid his phone down.

“Chase, I’m proud of you. I watched you not interrupt and let me finish, but letting your dad know by putting your hand on his arm. Thank you, that made me feel very respected. Good job” I said.

I watched Chase’s eyes light up and a huge smile form on his face. “Thank you.” He said.

Not to waste the opportunity that Josh had to teach his son something that had changed Josh’ life, he asked “Son, how did that make you feel. Use the feelings wheel, how did you feel?”

“I felt happy and confident, it felt really good when Mr. Stoddard complimented me” Chase said.

I felt the tears coming up as I was reminded of Josh’s story, and incredibly humbled at how God had used my own pain from 20 years ago to change me, change my family, and positively influence Josh’s life and his own children’s lives so that they never experience the trauma that Josh did as a child. The trauma that left him with deep wounds of abandonment and a tattoo that says “Trust no man”.

2.5 years ago Josh called me on the phone after watching my webinar, challenging him to step up and fight for his family. During our call he shared that he was separated from his wife and in deep pain. He shared how he’d overdosed on drugs and flatlined for a brief moment before he was ressuciated in the emergency room. He shared his deep pain and remorse for what he’d done to his wife, family and said he’d do anything to save his marriage.

Then I asked him the question. “What will happen to your children and grandchildren if you don’t change, Josh”. He knew the answer and in that moment made a decision that would change generations. He joined the Change YOUniversity Fighting for Your Family program.

As I sat across from Chase his 10-year-old son, grinning ear to ear, I saw the impact of his decision and dedication to Change YOUniversity. I remembered the conversations Josh and I had about the greatest commandment, about defining his unifying life principles, about not isolating when he feared abandonment, about working with Pam, our wise counselor to heal the deep wounds. I remembered watching himself pour his heart into Overcoming Adverse Childhood Experiences and learn of the impact of his own childhood experiences. I remembered his wisdom as he challenged his own clients in Change YOUniversity much like I’d challenged him.

And I remembered his tears when he realized how his unhealed trauma was playing out through his older children who were numbing their pain through drugs, alcohol, and other addictions.

Most importantly, I remembered the decision he’d made to do everything possible to fight for his family. And I watched through Chase’s smile from the gentle approval that his father gave how his decision was not only transforming his family, but undoubtedly would transform his great grandchildren.

Josh then asked his 12-year-old son, Gunnar, to share how he’d helped his friend a few weeks earlier.

Gunnar shared how his friend a few weeks earlier was suicidal because he’d made a mistake and his parents yelled and screamed at him, calling him names and convincing him he was worthless.

He then shared about how he had encouraged his friend, reminding him he’d made a mistake and it was ok. Letting him know that he loved him and he wasn’t worthless and that he’d be there for him no matter what. And he shared how his friend didn’t commit suicide because of Gunnar’s “coaching”.

“Where did you learn that” I asked Gunnar?

“Oh, that’s easy. I learned it from watching my dad coach men in Change YOUniversity group.”

I put my hand on his shoulder, telling him how proud I was of him, and I watched him smile ear to ear as his dad sat across the table and said “I’m proud of you son.”

“Boys, your dad is an amazing man. Do you know how I met him?” I asked.

“Didn’t he call you?”

“Yeah, it was almost 3 years ago. Do you remember your dad from 3 years ago?” I asked.

“Oh yeah. He was angry. Always yelling at us, telling us we were worthless. Always drinking. It was scary” Gunnar said with no remorse, knowing that that man, his dad, had been forgiven and that he was now the safest, most loving and encouraging man on the planet.

In that moment I was brought back 21 years. I remembered my own struggles with anger and yelling, and I remembered going to jail for my anger. I remembered trying to change but never changing. I remembered separating from my wife and abandoning my 18 month old daughter much like I’d been abandoned as a child. I remembered putting the camera on a tripod and recording a video journal. And I remembered the words I said in my deepest despair.

“I don’t know how I’m going to change, but I will. And one day God is going to use my pain to help other men change.”

I remembered being laid off from Microsoft in 2015, God’s way of ensuring the vision he’d given me 16 years earlier would come to pass through the writing of my book, Pain Drives Change.

I remembered seeking my “calling” from God in 2017 as I approached my 50^th birthday. And I remembered birthing Change YOUniversity a few months later, a coaching program to help men fight for their families and transform generations.

And I remembered that call with Josh, a man broken and filled with remorse and fear for the damage he’d caused his wife and children through the anger his son, gunnar, was now sharing with me.

“Your dad is an amazing man. Can I share how he changed?” I asked Gunnar.

“Sure” he said.

“Your dad took full responsibility for his actions. He stopped locking his feelings up inside and was surrounded by a group of men who loved him, encouraged him, and challenged him to do the right thing even though it was hard. He learned the value of repentance and integrity, fessing up when he messed up. And when satan tried to fill him with shame, much like your friend, we came along side your dad and let him know that he wasn’t worthless, that he was human and God was allowing his mistakes so that he could grow into the man that he is today.”

We then talked about the Bible, and Gunnar shared in great detail the story of Adam and Eve and their own sin. I commented that his knowledge of the story was greater than most men I know and said “You have a gift. Do you want to be a coach in Change YOUniversity one day?”

“Yeah! That would be awesome.” Gunnar responded.

Josh and I looked at each other, watching the vision that God was laying out through Gunnar.

Changed people change people. Josh changed and through his change he’d changed his sons. Their change was changing their friends, and would change generations.

“Change YOUniversity for children” Josh said as I got chills down my spine, realizing that God had just revealed a larger vision that He would bring to pass in due time.

Humbled is the understatement of the century. God in his undeniable wisdom knew what He was doing 21 years ago when I placed that camera on a tripod and proclaimed that I would use the pain I was experiencing to help other people one day.

You’ll know a tree by its fruit. The fruit of Josh’s change is most evident in his children who are already bearing fruit. But it’s also evident in the clients he’s coached and the coaches he’s coaching through his own example of vulnerability, courage, and unrelenting tenacity to do what he said he was going to do 2.5 years earlier on that call.

Thank you, Jesus, for the pain you brought me through so many years ago. Thank you for walking beside me and bringing Bob and Steve into my life to teach me so that I could one day teach Josh who is now teaching his sons and all the clients and coaches you put in his life.

If you are interested in learning more about Change YOUniversity and how you might break the generational curses in your own family, we’d love to help. Sign up for a free call!

Click to Schedule a Free Call

Apathy or Action, Microsoft, Pain Drives Change

Pain Drives Change-Reflecting On The Blessings

July 10, 2020 Damon Stoddard

Consider it joy my brethren when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance, and let endurance have its perfect result so that you’ll be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing

James 1:2-4

Five years ago, I sat down at my computer to write a blog that quickly went viral. Later that day I turned in my computer and handed Microsoft my badge. Microsoft made the decision to lay-off people associated with the Nokia acquisition and I was one of those employees.

I could have chosen to be angry and fearful for my future, many others that were laid off chose this path. Instead, I chose gratitude. My deceased mom gave me the gift of gratitude as she modeled writing a gratitude journal every day, through good and bad.

I chose gratitude. Two days earlier when my manager informed me that I’d been laid off. I was shocked. I quickly came to my senses and looked at her stating “I’ll be fine, I serve a big God. How are you?”

In that blog I thanked Microsoft and said goodbye.

https://www.damonstoddard.com/thank-you-microsoft-and-goodbye/

I had no idea what my future held, but I knew God did and I chose to trust Him, I chose joy in this trial.

A few months later I’d written my book, Pain Drives Change. A book that today is impacting thousands of lives and became the foundation of my coaching system, Change YOUniversity.

And I got to spend significant quality time with my mom writing my book before she died in peace with the nurses Faith and Grace by her side.

A general manager saw my blog and created a role on her team for me to return to Microsoft. I re-entered the doors of Microsoft five short months after being laid off. I returned to an office a block away from my old office with a job that was more aligned to my strengths.

I didn’t know what God was up to, but He did.

Two years later my wife had cancer for the second time.

Microsoft had just implemented a policy allowing family members to take extended paid leave to care for ill family members. I took this time off and spent it with my wife as she recovered.

A short year later I discovered that I had cancer.

Once again, Microsoft took care of me and my medical bills. I used the skills I’d learned as the quality manager for Xbox to help pinpoint the source of my cancer and I used the data to convince my doctors to pursue this cutting edge cancer treatment called Trans Oral Robotic Surgery.

As a result, they found my cancer, and removed it completely.

But my treatment wasn’t over. I needed six weeks of radiation and a few months to recover. Microsoft took care of me through paid medical leave allowing me to heal completely emotionally and physically before my return to work.

Yesterday I learned that I’m still cancer free and the prognosis is very good that it won’t return!

I didn’t know what God was up to when I wrote my second book while I was going through my cancer battle, but He did.

Writing brought me peace and gave me a bigger purpose, praying that my writing would one day inspire others in similar situations. I wrote about that in Chapter 5 on July 15, 2019 a little more than a year ago. Here’s a snippet from that writing.

Today, on my 5-year anniversary of writing that blog “Thank You Microsoft and Goodbye” God revealed part of His bigger plan. My story will be broadly shared and bring hope to countless people.

I believe that everyone going through trials in their lives ask the question “why?”. I certainly do.

Today as I reflect on the past five years I can truly say beyond the shadow of a doubt that choosing joy in our trials allows God to use our trials to not only perfect us, but to bring hope and meaning to others.

Thank you, mom for teaching me how to be grateful in all things through your example. Thank you Jesus that you inspired me to write that blog five years ago, that you have used my pain to change me and given me opportunities to share my story that is offering hope to so many. Thank you, Microsoft for caring for me as a person and creating a culture and offering benefits to ensure that my personal needs and family’s needs are taken care of. And thank you, Jesus in advance for the impact that my books and story will have on people in need of hope.

Damon

P.S. If you’re interested in my book you can get a personalized copy below. For every book sold I’ll donate 100% of the profit ($10) and Microsoft will match that $10 to raise awareness of cancer and offer assistance to those with cancer.

Loading…

Apathy or Action, Bipolar, Cancer, Lessons learned, Pain Drives Change, Personal Growth

I Have Cancer Part 13-I Can’t

October 3, 2019 Damon Stoddard

9/20/2019

I just finished my 8^th radiation treatment. That puts me at 26.7% complete. This is going to sound crazy, but stick with me….

I LOVE my daily dose of radiation!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking forward to the pain, loss of taste, loss of saliva, and tiredness they are promising me. But I love my daily visits to UW for my radiation treatment.

Crazy, I know…and a lot different than my attitude a little less than 2 weeks ago where I was in denial and didn’t want to do it.

What changed? Simple. My attitude and outlook. I chose action in lieu of my previous apathetic attitude toward radiation. Nothing else changed. Just my attitude and the resultant actions that followed.

What triggered this change? Pain. But not the pain of radiation treatment or cancer, it was the severe and debilitating pain I experienced more than 10 years ago. This pain drove me to change, and I’m still reaping the benefits of that changed today.

In order to fully understand why I love my radiation treatments I’ll need to go back to that time when I was in extreme and debilitating pain.

It January 17, 2007. The middle of “winter” in Seattle. Weeks of grey rainy weather and no sign of the sun was getting me down. I called my wife on the phone crying my eyes out. I was depressed and couldn’t make it through the day. I was hopeless and miserable.

I’m bipolar and I was experiencing the depressive phase of manic depression. I’d been here before, but this time was different. I’d decided to stop taking my medication because it was killing my emotions (I felt like a zombie) and it had contributed to my massive weight gain (I was nearly 260 pounds with my ideal adult weight being 205 pounds). Stopping the medication helped me feel again, I certainly could feel my emotions now as I sobbed on the phone with my wife.

2 days later I wrote in my journal, my depression had reached a point of debilitation.

“Stayed home from work, couldn’t get energy to get up”

I laid on the couch all morning with tears in my eyes being overwhelmed with fear, anxiety, and depression. I felt hopeless. In my pain I was forced to change. I called a friend and he encouraged me to go back on the medication. Reluctantly, I agreed.

My moods started to improve. Over the next few months I started gathering clues about the cause of my depression. Here are a few excerpts from my journal:

January 23	…. Feeling very sad and disheartened afterward. What is my future???
January 24	Moods fluctuate considerably within a day. Realized that I don’t have a VISION…so nothing pulls me forward
January 27	Feeling VERY sleepy and lethargic. Related to getting up at 5:30?
January 30	3rd day in a row feeling good, wow! 10 minutes of sun lamp today, too..
February 5	Feeling more lethargic today. It is cloudy and gloomy out. Work is slow today as well…is that a clue?
February 6	Exercised at lunch yesterday, felt good.
February 16	Worked at home today. Felt good because I got some results (and watched a guy I’m mentoring get results).
June 7	Stopped taking Lexapro because feeling WAY too stimulated.
July 11	AWESOME Team Offsite. Developing leaders makes me PERFECTLY congruent
Aug 15	Back to work after long vacation at Lake Roosevelt. Absolutely Incredible!

The “factors” that seemed to contribute to my depression (and/or help remove the depression)

Having a vision for my future
Not having adequate sleep
Sunlight
Exercise
Mentoring/coaching
Developing leaders
Family vacation time

Unfortunately, a few months later the weather began to turn, and I began feeling depressed again.

Before I share the rest of the story, I have a confession to make. I started writing this chapter almost 2 weeks ago and I haven’t been able to finish it because I felt like a hypocrite writing about feeling AWESOME when it quickly became a lie. I haven’t been feeling awesome, I’ve been tired and consumed with something I didn’t expect to happen. My body started to itch everywhere. I thought it was associated with the radiation, but the doctors swear it isn’t. It got so bad that I woke up in the middle of the night scratching, but I found no relief. I called the dermatologist and unfortunately had to wait almost a week before seeing them. The itching became worse and worse. I became more and more frustrated and my calves were covered in sores where I’d scratched so much I broke through the skin.

And I’m writing a chapter about how great I feel? I simply couldn’t do it. It was a lie.

When I finally met the dermatologist, I pleaded with her to do anything to stop the itching. She looked at my body and boldly declared “I don’t know what is causing this.” She proceeded to take a biopsy declaring “I doubt it will reveal anything, but we have to try.” She then decided to throw everything at my itching to stop it. She prescribed creams and anti-itch pills and allergy medicine and moisturizers and….

But it didn’t work. I woke up in the middle of the night and I itched so bad that I almost woke my wife up to take me to the hospital.

A few days later I was watching my daughter’s volleyball game and my arms began breaking out in little bumps everywhere. I quickly drove to the dermatologist’s office only to find that they were closed. I called to talk with the on-call physician and got a voicemail.

The next morning, they called me back. “I’m sorry Mr. Stoddard, but there isn’t anything more we can do. Are you showering regularly?”

Yes, I said!

“You might want to cut back on showers and make sure they are cold to lukewarm and try not to use much soap.”

“Oh, and did she tell you this would go on for weeks before it might clear up?”

“No, she didn’t. Thank you for the call.”

Weeks? I had to continue to deal with this itching for weeks? My spirits plummeted. Here I am going through radiation treatments for cancer and now I have to go through weeks of itching so badly that I am scratching through the skin?

Proverbs 13:12

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life

I was crushed. I became cynical and started snapping at my wife when she tried to have a conversation with me. My heart was sick.

I had a choice. I could dwell in my misery or I could accept it. I’m not sure when it happened, but I accepted it. My itchy skin was 100% out of my control. The specialists were doing all they could. I accepted it.

I continued doing everything I could to take care of myself making sure I filled my time with things that give me energy and remove things that don’t.

I had dinner with my friend and inspiration who is going through cancer that may be terminal. I rode my bike to and from work. I listened to worship music in my truck. I spent evenings coaching my junior football players. I spent an evening in the rain with my family watching our high school football team destroy their opponents. I went to the Casting Crowns concert with my family and worshipped my God who gives and takes away. I developed a program to help my coaches in Change YOUniversity grow to the next level. I spent time at my vacation home. I celebrated my being halfway done with radiation treatments by biking 20 miles to my 15^th treatment in the sun along Lake Washington.

And somehow the itching doesn’t consume me anymore. Maybe it’s the medicine and the creams. Or maybe it’s a result of continuing to love myself by taking care of myself that has almost eliminated my skin itching.

I just returned from the dermatologist. The biopsy was inconclusive. It might be weeks before my itching is completely gone. But it doesn’t matter. I’ve accepted that I’ll itch and I’ve accepted that we will never know what caused the itching. But it doesn’t matter….

I just completed my 16^th radiation treatment and I feel FANTASTIC. My energy is through the roof, the pain from the radiation only reveals itself when I swallow, and it’s not extreme. I’ve lost my sense of taste and about half my saliva. But I feel FANTASTIC.

Why do I feel fantastic? Let’s go back in time to about 10 years ago when I learned a powerful lesson on life

Your system is perfectly designed to get you the results you are getting…

Deming

Fall was coming and I began to feel very anxious that once again I was entering deep depression, the same depression that left me on the couch unable to get up and go to work less than a year earlier.

A few entries in my journal revealed some more clues as to why I was feeling depressed.

9/18/2007	Wellbutrin…started today..
10/03/2007	Woke up this morning and almost in tears for no reason…
10/06/2007	Going to start Lexapro today
10/08/2007	Debbie and I decided that the Lexapro isn’t going to work…just makes me too distant. We’re going to try to stabilize the Wellbutrin by going to SR vs. XL. Also, I’m going to stop being a victim…take walks in the morning, eat right, exercise, change my thought processes.
10/11/2007	Feeling REALLY sad and empty this morning….despair, no hope for the future
10/17/2007	Woke up anxious, called Dad and started to cry. Called Don and started to cry. Is this a spiritual battle?
10/18/2007	This is a spiritual battle, and I’m going to fight it with spiritual weapons! Tears again this morning. Began running in the mornings today.
10/19/2007	Feel better today than I have in a long time. Took 150 Welbutrin XL last night and 150 this morning. Attacking this like a spiritual battle. With HIM I will emerge victorious!

I’d decided to try a new medication to help with my depression, Wellbutrin. Unfortunately, the Wellbutrin didn’t help my depression, so I started taking my old medication, Lexapro. A few days later I realized why I stopped taking the Lexapro. It numbed my emotions and it had a very negative impact on or relationship.

Debbie and I had the talk that would change my life and the lives of all the people I influence.

Apathy would say that I was a victim of bipolar and me and my family would suffer the consequences because of this biological condition. After all, I had a good excuse. I was born with bipolar and it was out of my control.

Action would say that I may not have control over my biological conditions, but I have complete control over my actions to minimize the impact.

Apathy or Action

I had a tough decision to make. Was I going to choose to remain apathetic about my condition or was I going to stop being a victim and take action? Pain drives change and I was suffering enormous emotional pain through my depression and anxiety.

I chose action.

“I’m going to stop being a victim…take walks in the morning, eat right, exercise, change my thought processes.”

The action I took started with a decision. A decision to start taking care of myself. A decision to start loving myself.

I wish I could say things got better after that decision. They didn’t. In fact only 3 days later I woke up and wrote “Feeling sad and empty this morning….despair, no hope for the future.”

A week later nothing had changed. I was in tears and feeling helpless, full of fear and all alone. I called my dad crying my eyes out.

Then I called my pastor, my friend, and the man who has made a bigger impact on my life than anyone else.

“Don, I can’t stop crying. I’m depressed, full of anxiety and nothing is helping.”

“Damon, I think it’s a spiritual battle and you need to attack it spiritually. Read the book ‘Waking the Dead’, spend time daily in the Bible, pray, and sing your favorite worship music.

The next morning was different. I woke up in tears again, but this time I wasn’t a victim to my tears. I took action. I went for a run (well, actually it was a walk with a short jog in the middle) and during this run I listened to my favorite worship music (very loud) and I verbally spoke a few of my favorite scriptures out loud.

2 Timothy 1:7

“For God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and love and sound mind”

Wow, that felt good. So, I said it again, this time louder.

“For God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and love and sound mind”

It was as if these words penetrated the fear and the anxiety and depression lifted. I stopped feeling like a victim and started feeling hope that I’d be victorious. So I said it again, this time I said it like I believed it!

“For God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and love and sound mind”

The next morning I felt better than I had in a long time. My apathy was gone and now I was taking action.

“Attacking this like a spiritual battle. With HIM I will emerge victorious!”

The next morning I continued my routine and wrote in my journal “Feel Good”. And the next morning I did the same and wrote in my journal “Feel Good”. And the next and the next and the next…..

Don was right. It was a spiritual battle and for the first time in 40 years I began winning the battle with my new spiritual weapons of scripture, worship music, time in nature, and taking care of my body by running!!

But God was just getting started with my transformation. That weekend I attended a men’s conference. I cried on the way to the conference, but felt incredibly refreshed on the drive home. God gave me a vision for the purpose of my life at that conference. A vision that ignited a deep passion inside of me. A vision that would utilize everything I’d gone through for my entire life to benefit others. He gave me a vision for developing men.

Proverbs 29:18

“Without a vision the people perish”

This new vision for my life inspired me. I no longer struggled to get out of bed in the morning but began looking forward to my time in the morning to worship, exercise, and be in nature. To nurture the vision He’d given me while I was in the wilderness.

A month later I came across another scripture that explained where I was and where I’d be going.

Jeremiah 17:7-9

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD. “For he will be like a tree planted by the water, That extends its roots by a stream And will not fear when the heat comes; But its leaves will be green, And it will not be anxious in a year of drought Nor cease to yield fruit.”

I was learning how to trust in the Lord. I was building deep roots. He was preparing me for the heat that would come into my life over the coming years, and He was showing me how not to be anxious in this heat and continue bearing fruit in my life.

12/22/2007	Sun lamp in the morning. I like how it makes me feel!
1/3/2008	Started training for a 5k today!
1/9/2008	Sunlamp or running or Wellbutrin are having a consistent effect on my attitude/moods
4/30/2008	Great meeting with my mentor. He pointed out that others are noticing I’m “changing” (e.g. considering others’ needs before my own). God spoke to me in this moment..
6/02/2008	Good weekend. Been feeling pretty good for a long time

In the next few months my relationship with Christ grew stronger than it had ever been. I set my alarm for 6:30 a.m. and every morning I got up. I stopped walking outside in the mornings because of the weather but I started going to my chair in the living room. I discovered that I also suffered with S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and that using a sunlamp in the morning had the same impact on me that the sun did. I sat in front of the sunlamp, listened to worship music, read my Bible and my soul was replenished.

A few months earlier I was in tears in the morning. Now I couldn’t wait to get out of bed and nourish my soul!

I continued running and set a goal to run my first 5k. I began running 3-5 times per week and discovered that I always had incredible energy after my runs. I completed my first 5k right after my son, Nathan was born!

Don and I had breakfast a few months later. He shared that the changes in me were obvious. Many people commented to him that I was changing. He shared that I was no longer selfish but becoming selfless. I was putting others needs in front of my own and they were noticing it.

On June 2, 2008 I wrote in my journal:

“Good weekend. Been feeling pretty good for a long time.”

I changed my system and it changed the results in my life. I chose action over apathy. I chose not to be a victim and emerged victorious.

These lessons carried me through my daughter’s struggles with addiction. They carried me through my wife’s battle with cancer. They carried me through my time of being laid off from Microsoft. They carried me through my mother’s sickness and eventual death. They carried me through my wife’s 2^nd bout with cancer and they are carrying me through my own bout with cancer.

On October 3, 2007 I was entering severe depression. I woke up with tears in my eyes. That was exactly 12 years ago. I’m writing this on October 3, 2019. My mood swings from bipolar are 100% gone. I have never experienced depression since. I have tons of energy and I’m living the life of my dreams. I’m on my 17^th day of radiation treatment and I feel better than the day I started treatment. I feel the sun on my back and I’ve decided that I’m going to bike 22 miles to radiation treatment again today. The doctors tell me that the next 4 weeks are going to be very difficult. You might say I’m entering a season of drought. But I am not anxious. I trust in the Lord. He has carried me before and He will carry me during this season as well.

Thank you Jesus for the lessons you taught me in my pain 12 years ago. Thank you that you didn’t remove my pain until I learned the lessons. Thank you that you helped me turn these lessons into habits, habits that carried me so many times and will carry me in the future. Thank you for the fruit from these lessons. Thank you for the vision that is becoming a reality, the vision of developing men. Thank you for the gift of writing. Thank you for replenishing my soul while I worship you on my bike rides in the sun listening to my favorite music.

And thank you for the cancer that was in my body a few months ago and will never return. If I hadn’t had that cancer I wouldn’t have written this book. Jesus I pray that my experiences will bring glory to you and positively influence those who I influence.

Amen

P.S. I’ve received overwhelming feedback about the inspiration my story is offering people so I’ve decided to write and publish a book. If you’re interested, you can pre-order it here. I’ll be donating 200% of the profits to help raise awareness of treatment options for head and neck cancer.

Loading…

Apathy or Action, Cancer, Family, Pain Drives Change

I Have Cancer Part 11-The Final Treatment Plan

August 27, 2019 Damon Stoddard 6 Comments

8/27/2019
Emotion-The gap between expectation and experience

A little more than 3 weeks ago I woke up from surgery and my first question was “did you get it”. “We got it” the surgeon answered. Of course, I was incoherent, fell back asleep and when I woke again my first question was “did you get it?”. “We got it” the surgeon answered. This time I remained awake.

They got it! They were able to visually see the cancer as a small lump in the right-hand side of my tongue, took a quick biopsy and high-fived each other after it showed positive. The TORS robot guided by the surgeon’s hands removed portions of the right-hand side of my tongue, and successfully removed all the cancer. The pathology would later show that the tumor was just 12 millimeters in size and was only 5 millimeters from the “blind” biopsy that was performed on my tongue just 6 weeks earlier.

Barely 12 hours after the surgery my emotions were at a peak. I was elated and filled with energy because of the results. I pulled up my phone and I shared an emotion filled Facebook Live broadcast sharing the news. I exuberantly declared that it was a miracle. A few short minutes later I typed the previous chapter of this book.

A few short weeks later my emotions of elation quickly changed to confusion, anger and frustration after my follow-up visit with the doctor and radiation oncologist.

Before I share the results of the visit I want to share a story that will help bring some clarity.

As a kid I loved to fish. I remember walking miles to toss my line in the water in hopes that I’d land a fish. I remember going Salmon fishing in the ocean and catching a few of those monsters. I remember going fishing with Monica when she was a kid and watching her bring in fish after fish after fish while others just watched. I wrote a blog about it years ago. It’s true, fishing creates memories that last a lifetime.

Last year was Nathan’s 10^th birthday. I knew I wanted to start doing “man things” with him but I didn’t know what to do. To make a long story short, we went fishing in Canada with a man who has become one of my closer friends. The trip was incredible. I’ll never forget the smile on Nathan’s face when we landed the first king. His primal yelp expressed how elated he was with the king salmon he successfully netted. You might say he was excited to net that fish as I was to discover that my cancer had been successfully removed.

Emotion=Expectation minus Experience

Our emotions were high because the experience of catching and netting the king salmon exceeded any expectation he’d had. Prior to this trip the largest fish he’d caught was only a few pounds, so subconsciously his expectation was “a little bigger than the trout we’d caught”. His experience of catching and successfully netting a king salmon that weighed over 18 pounds dramatically exceeded his experience so his emotions were very high invoking the primal yelp!

After that trip I decided that this trip to Canada with my son would be an annual occasion. The memories we build together are memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, the trip this year overlapped with my planned radiation treatment and I was afraid I’d have to cancel it. However, with the discovery of TORS and the surgery I wouldn’t be in the middle of radiation treatment. In fact, I’d be 10 days from my surgery and recovered enough to fish! That’s what I decided.

We left the house early Wednesday morning and picked up my father in-law. We had a great trip and caught a lot of salmon (3 kings each plus a couple of coho). The limit for kings is 4 per person and we wanted to limit out, so Nathan and I decided to go out Saturday afternoon before out scheduled departure on Sunday. Grandpa was tired so he stayed back.

That morning we were fishing, and I noticed a lot of the other boats catching fish but we failed to get even a hit. As I watched them net the fish a little closer I noticed something that I hadn’t seen before. The people catching the fish were locals, and they knew the tricks to catching salmon there. As I looked a little closer, I noticed that the leader on their poles was at least twice as long as the leader we were using, and nearly twice as long as the leader recommended by the manufacturer of the flashers we used to catch fish.

I asked the camp host (who fishes every morning and catches a ton of fish) if my observation was correct. “Absolutely” he said. I was confused. I asked him to show me his fishing set-up. I was always told to use 30″ of leader by virtually everyone that travelled to fish in Canada, but I stared at his pole with 72″ of leader. He was even using the same lures that I was using. The only difference was the leader length.

I was convinced and I asked him if he had any extra leader. He pulled out the 25# test and cut me off 2 pieces that were 75″ long leaving me enough leader to tie the knots.

“Where should I go” I asked him. He pointed to a spot barely 5 minutes from camp.

“Are you sure? I have fished for hours there and I’ve been skunked.” I asked.

“Absolutely. I catch a ton of fish with this set-up over there.”

I decided to trust him. He was the expert and he had proof that his technique and his location were landing fish.

We drove across the water and rigged both poles with the longer leader and dropped them to the exact depth he’d recommended.

Truth be told, I didn’t exect that we’d catch any fish, but I relished the time on the boat with my son. He’s become quite a fisherman and an expert netter, netting a lot of fish that would have been lost if not for his skills. In 2 years of fishing for kings he’d only lost 1 fish!

A few minutes after dropping our lines I yelled “Fish!”.

I quickly reeled this king in, he was easily the biggest fish I’d hooked since fishing up here. As the fish got closer to the boat I told Nathan to grab the net. I saw the fish surface and with a smile knew we’d bring him in the boat.

I was mistaken. The king turned his head and “spit the hook”. Fish gone.

Our hearts were racing, we were both excited and saddened. “We’ll get the next one” I shared with my son who was feeling a bit dejected because he wasn’t able to net the fish.

A few minutes later another fish was on. As I reeled this fish in, I told Nathan “We’ll get him”. A few short minutes later this fish also spit the hook and we lost him.

“It’s ok” I told Nathan, my heart thumping out of my chest. He let out a primal yelp, but this time it was a yelp of anger.

Emotion=Expectation minus Experience

Our experience over the last 2 years that almost every fish we hooked we netted and brought into the boat. Our experience now was that we lost 2 in a row (this had never happened). Our emotions were high because our experience of netting fish was significantly lower than our expectation.

We dropped the line in again. Our hearts were racing as we knew this new technique of longer leader was working. We were hooking fish while all the other boats watched, wondering what was different.

A few minutes later, another fish on. A few minutes after that, another fish lost. A few minutes later, yet another fish on and another fish lost at the boat.

Emotions increased as the excitement of hooking fish exceeded any experience we’d had before (4 fish in less than 20 minutes!). Emotions decreased as we were unsuccessful at netting the fish.

We took a pause. A friend boated by and asked if we were using a single hook. “Yes” I responded. “Put a triple hook on, it will ensure they stay hooked”.

I took a few minutes, modified our lures and dropped them in.

A few minutes later I watched the line pulling from the reel. This fish was HUGE. “We’re going to get him, Nathan. I’m going to play him out and wear him out.” I wore him out. He came to the edge of the boat and we saw him. Easily the biggest fish I’d seen, I’m guessing 25 to 30 pounds.

“Get ready” I told Nathan. The fish ran a little under the boat and I reeled him back up. Nathan started to net him and I said “not yet, he’s not tired, we’ll get him”.

The fish ran to the back of the boat and got tangled in the cable of the downrigger that had broken earlier in the week. A second later, the line came loose. Our monster king was lost.

I slammed my fist into the seat of the boat and watched my son wail in tears. He took responsibility for losing these fish and was crushed.

I placed him on my lap and hugged him as he cried and cried and cried. “We had him dad, it’s my fault”.

I gently looked him in the eye and re-assured him that it wasn’t his fault. We’d learned a new technique of fishing that more than doubled the leader length. Our net wasn’t long enough to scoop the fish and as a result, when we got the fish to the boat he wasn’t able to get the net low enough to bring the fish in like he had earlier.

Emotion=Expectation minus Experience

My son’s tears indicated the magnitude of his emotions. His expectation was that he’d net those fish but his experience was that we lost 5 in a row.

He looked up from his tears at the flasher on the pole where we’d lost that fish. “Dad, the leader knot failed!” He was right, it was a failure of the leader knot. The failure was mine, I’d tied the knot and it failed. “It’s my fault son. You did great.”

That was the last fish we hooked on the trip. I dreamed about hooking fish that night and everyday I see friends post pictures of fish they caught brings up the emotion of losing those fish, but I’ll never forget the lessons my son and I learned during those 45 minutes of fishing and hooking 5 fish and later losing them. And I had no clue that those same lessons would guide my decisions over the coming week to help me fight cancer.
Lesson #1:
Emotion=Expectation-Experience. We were ecstatic with hearts racing after hooking 5 fish in 45 minutes. Our experience exceeded any expectation we had. We were deflated and discouraged after losing all 5 fish because we’d only lost a few fish in the prior years. Our experience was less than our expectation.
Lesson #2:

Ask an expert-If you want to catch fish when others aren’t, ask an expert who has experience catching fish. When we asked the expert he told us to increase the length of our leader, a counter-intuitive action that was supported with data (lots of fish). We hooked 5 fish in 45 minutes because we listened to the advice of the expert.
Lesson #3:

Different techniques require different equipment-Our net handle was 4 feet long, our leader was 6 feet long making it virtually impossible for an 11 year old boy to net the fish. If we want to catch the fish we need to get a different net.
Lesson #4:

Emotional experiences bind us closer with those we love-I’ll never forget holding my son as tears streamed from our eyes. Our fishing trips and this experience in particular have built a bond that will last forever.
Lesson #5:

Little details have a huge impact-I was negligent with the knot I tied that ultimately failed resulting in losing the fish. If I’d re-done the knot when I noticed it was fragile we would have caught the fish. Instead, we lost it.

Now let’s get back to my cancer story.

The surgeon tried multiple times to reach me while in Canada but was unsuccessful. Unfortunately, he was on vacation during my follow-up appointment last Monday (the day after returning from fishing). His nurse practitioner shared the results of the pathology with me.

“Great news! Your pathology came back and they removed all the cancer with clear margins!”.

I was elated, but it only lasted a brief moment.

“Unfortunately, the pathology shows that the type of cancer is different than the cancer they found in your lymph nodes. It’s HPV negative.

“Unfortunately, the surgeon is on vacation and I don’t know what it means” the surgeon’s assistant shared.

Ouch. These words pierced my soul like a sharp sword. HPV positive is “very treatable”. HPV negative is “not as treatable”. HPV negative might indicate that they did NOT find the primary source of my cancer as I’d hoped and believed prior to this visit.

My mind raced. I couldn’t fully celebrate the removal of the cancer because of the uncertainty associated with the pathology result.

Emotion=Expectation minus experience. My expectation was that I’d hear that it was found, removed, and that I was cancer free. My experience was that they’d found and removed cancer, but it might not be the primary source of my cancer. It might be ANOTHER cancer. I experienced emotions of sadness, grief, confusion and frustration.

Maybe I’ll get some answers in a few hours I thought, after my visit with the radiologist.

Once again, I was mistaken.

My expectation going into the radiologist was that I’d hear that my radiation treatment would be significantly reduced because they found the source. I was mistaken. The radiation treatment would be very similar to the original treatment plan, but a little more targeted to the side of my tongue where the cancer was found.

I couldn’t hide my frustration. “This makes no sense! My surgeon said my treatment would be dramatically different and my quality of life would be significantly better. You’re telling me something different.”

“He’s the surgeon. He shouldn’t be giving radiation advice.”

I became infuriated. “With all due respect, I am uncomfortable with your recommendation” I stated.

“I understand” she stated. Followed by the statement “Unfortunately, there are a lot of different camps on how to treat this cancer.”

I then asked her about the HPV negative pathology result. “It makes no sense to me, either” she responded.

I left her office angrier and more frustrated than I’ve been in years. My experience with the radiologist was dramatically different than the expectation I had from the surgeon, and my emotions were raging because of it.

I vented on my wife for a while, then I called a friend and vented.

I needed to take action. When I wasn’t catching fish in Canada, I asked the expert who was catching tons of fish, and because of this I started hooking a lot of fish. I immediately scheduled an appointment with an expert, the radiologist at the University of Washington who specializes in head and neck cancer, particularly individuals who had TORS. My appointment would be a week later.

When I returned to work people asked how I was doing. Unfortunately, I couldn’t say “great” because of the newly discovered uncertainty.

I received the phone call Friday right before I went home. It was the UW.

“We just got the pathology results back from the re-screening of your tumor. They made a mistake. The tumor that was removed from your tongue was also HPV positive.”

Wahoo! I high fived my son who was with me at work and my co-worker. I didn’t expect the call and the experience of the call exceeded any expectations I had. I was elated!

I just returned from my radiology appointment at the UW this morning. Much like the expert taught me how to catch fish, this expert revealed how to effectively treat head and neck cancer and dramatically improve my quality of life because the tumor was found and removed.

“I have one burning question” I asked the radiologist. “Is your treatment plan different because they found the cancer?”

He chuckled “Of course it is!” I asked him to explain.

“When you have a rat in a barn you don’t burn the whole barn down to kill the rat. You find where the rat lives and you target that specific area to kill it. Because we know exactly where your cancer was we will target our treatment. Your quality of life will definitely be better because we located the cancer.”

I let out a sigh of relief. His answer was consistent with the surgeon’s answer. Much like the expert in Canada told me how to fish (and it was different than the people who only fish once a year) the experts in head and neck cancer told me exactly how to treat this cancer (and it was different than the radiologist who occasionally treat head and neck cancer).

He explained that my treatment would be a very light dose on the left side of my neck, a little higher dose on the right side and a targeted dose around the right base of my tongue where the cancer was removed.

“This is very specialized treatment” he said. “It’s important that you get treated by a specialist because patients who get similar treatment in non-specialized clinics drop out about 33% of the time.”

“Why is that” I asked.

“Because the level of care isn’t available. The pain levels become intolerable and they quit. We have a lot of capabilities here that non-specialized clinics don’t necessarily offer, and our treatment is very refined so we minimize the amount of pain that is induced from the radiation treatment.”

Much like my lesson from the failed knot in Canada, the little details make a big difference. This radiologist specializes in treating this specific type of cancer and because of this he “catches a lot more fish (e.g. people finish their treatment and as a result survival rates are higher.)

“What are the long-term effects from this treatment” I asked?

Your pain will be the same or greater than you just experienced starting at week 3 and peaking near the end of treatment. It will taper off 1-2 months after treatment.
You’ll have saliva loss. At 6 months it will be about 70%. Long term it will be 80%-90% returned. You’ll barely notice it, but might have to have water with you
You’ll lose your taste for a while. Thanksgiving and Christmas meals won’t be enjoyable, but Easter will be almost back to normal. You might have some loss of taste for sweets permanently and you might struggle to swallow breads and dry foods.
You will have treated the cancer in the best known method and have confidence that there is less than a 10% chance that it will return

“What about not radiating. What are your thoughts?” I asked.

“It’s a coin toss. About 20% of the time it returns without radiation. I’ve had patients not treat and return with no cancer and I’ve had patients not treat and return with cancer but in a different location where we can’t treat it. It’s really up to you.”

My wife and I looked at each other and we both had a level of confidence we didn’t experience the previous week at the radiologist.

“Avoiding radiation is not an option. When can we start?”

“We’ll get you fitted for a mask in 2 days and start 13 days after that.” he said.

“Thank you” I said as I firmly shook his hand. “My confidence is dramatically higher than it was a week ago. I feel peace knowing that you specialize in head and neck cancer.” “How many people have you treated after TORS I asked?”

“Hundreds” he said.

Much like the expert in Canada had caught dozens of fish while others were skunked, my expert would treat me with the specialized techniques that others simply aren’t aware of because they have never treated cancer after TORS surgery. And my results will be similar. I’ll be free of cancer with minimum impact to my quality of life.

Tears formed in my eyes on the drive home as I talked to my wife. “God is with us, dear. It’s a miracle that we discovered TORS, it’s a miracle that they found it, and we now have a radiologist whom we fully trust to completely eradicate any remaining cancer cells from my body. I’m overwhelmed with gratitude; I think the emotions are going to start now that we have a solid plan in place.”

Thank you, Jesus that you revealed TORS to me. Thank you that you revealed cancer to the surgeons. Thank you that they removed it. Thank you that you prompted me to get a second opinion. Thank you for the treatment plan that doesn’t require “burning the barn to kill the rat”. Thank you for the hope I feel that this cancer will finally be gone for eternity. Thank you for my wife and her support. Thank you for my job and the support from my family, friends, and co-workers. Thank you for the lessons you taught me on the fishing trip with my son and thank you for my family.

Loading…

Cancer, Pain Drives Change

I Have Cancer Part 10-The Results are In!

August 2, 2019 Damon Stoddard 8 Comments

8/2/2019

A little more than 10 hours ago I was in the operating room. I looked at the surgeon and with 100% confidence I boldly proclaimed:

“You’re going to find the cancer and remove it completely.” They responded by saying “we’ll do our best”.

I repeated this to the nurses, doctors, and everyone else that was in the operating room with the Trans Oral Robotic Surgery Robot. “You’re going to find the cancer and remove it completely.”

“Death and Life are in the power of the tongue and those who love it will eat its fruit” Proverbs 18:21

I know it sounds a little “woo woo” but I firmly believe that what we say and how we say it brings life or death (figuratively or literally). In my first book I talk about how I used my words to transform me from the inside out. My counselor and friend taught it to me, it’s called “mirror work” and it’s a requirement for every man I coach. Literally we help men define the man they want to be. Then we challenge them to speak these statements out loud while looking directly into their eyes in the mirror and speaking with such boldness that they absolutely believe it, even if the man they are isn’t the man they want to be.

It transformed my life and it transforms their lives.

I’ve been speaking the same words that they’d find cancer and completely remove it with absolute belief since I discovered TORS. A few days ago I had nearly a dozen men lay their hands on me and boldly proclaim it as well. One man finished the prayer by saying “Jesus, the doctors may not know where the cancer is but you do. Guide their hands and their eyes during surgery to find it and completely remove it.” Thank you for that bold prayer and belief!

But before I get to the results it’s very important to share the events of the last few weeks in a little more detail to fully appreciate how I got here.

Recall I mentioned a little earlier that I came across a study that showed the survival rates for people with the exact type of cancer and location that I have. In the previous blog I decided to protect my wife and family from the data I’d discovered, but I’m going to share it here using the previously mentioned Kaplan-Meier plots. When I saw these plots my heart dropped. For those who don’t know how to interpret the plot there are 2 lines. The green line and the blue line. The green represents head and neck cancer patients where they successfully identified and treated the primary source of the cancer. The blue line represents people exactly like me. People where they were unable to identify the primary source for cancer. The survival rates are statistically different (p=.03 means there is a 3% chance of being wrong when stating the survival rates are different for cancer of unknown primary source than for cancer of known primary source).

The data representing my situation was clear and compelling. 52% chance of survival after 5 years. Stated differently, I could flip a coin and the probability of it being heads was exactly the same probability of me being alive in 5 years. However, because I understand Kaplan Meier it wasn’t 5 years, it was 2 years. I had a 52% chance of being alive in 2 years if I continued down the path that ALL of the professional doctors recommended at tumor board.

Let that sink in for a minute. It only took a microsecond for me to realize that I needed to take action on this data. Literally, my life and my family depended on it.

Pain Drives Change. It’s the title of my first book and it will probably be etched on my tombstone. This statement will become part of my legacy. The pain of sticking my head in the sand and choosing to blindly accept the outcome was greater than the pain of me doing deeper research. I chose to research. My life depended on it.

One other brief note. I made a decision when I saw this data that I would NOT share it with my wife or my children. As a father and husband I take my responsibility to protect my family very seriously and I chose to protect them from the fear that would ensue when they saw this data. My challenge to every man that is reading this. Ask yourself the question:

Am I Protecting my Wife and Children or am I Avoiding my God Given Responsibility to do so?

If you are not actively protecting your family it’s time to man up. Make a decision now and start protecting them. If you don’t know how, email me. I am actively coaching men in my coaching business and transforming generations in their family because they have decided to man up.

Man UP!

I know I’m being bold but I won’t apologize for it. The statistics are clear on the impact of a father in children’s lives, you can read about this in chapter 5 of my first book, pain drives change. Man up and start protecting your family emotionally, physically, and financially. Your unborn grandchildren are dependent on your decision to do so.

Ok, back to my cancer story.

The data from the same article on survival rates also indicated that 72% of the Transoral Robotic Surgery identifies the primary source. If I could somehow get TORS my likelihood of living had a high probability of shifting to 95%+!

My wife calls it hyper-focus mode. I call it a gift from God. When there’s a problem to solve it kicks in and I’m relentless until the problem is solved. Increasing the likelihood of being alive in 5 years to >95% was easily the biggest problem to solve of my life.

Study after study after study confirmed the findings. TORS is highly effective at finding CUPS in the base of the tongue. I knew I needed TORS and I’d stop at nothing to get it.

When I shared the Kaplan-Meier plots with my oncologist she quickly got up, consulted her peers and put an emergency referral into the UW. She cautioned me that it might be weeks before I would get in to see the surgeon. It was a risk I decided to take.

The next day when I hadn’t heard back from the UW scheduling department I looked on the internet and found the phone number for UW scheduling. I called and they couldn’t find my referral, saying it might not be in the system yet.

I said thank you, hung up, and immediately called back. This time the receptionist found something in the system. She gave me the direct phone number for the TORs surgeon’s scheduling nurse. I said thank you and hung up.

I called the scheduling nurse and left a message. I didn’t hear back.

The next morning I woke up and I was anxious, praying fervently that I’d hear back from the UW. At 11:30 a.m. my cell phone rang. It was the scheduling nurse. She shared that the surgeon didn’t have any openings and referred me to his other office. I thanked her, but kindly pressed her on the phone.

“I have cancer and my radiation is schedule to start in 10 days. Is there anyway he could get me in earlier” I pleaded.

She pulled up the calendar and was able to find a few openings but I shared with her that I’d be on vacation in Eastern Washington on the dates she provided. I let her know, however, that I’d gladly drive the 6 hours to see him if possible.

“Let me call you back in a few minutes” she said.

20 minutes later the phone rang.

“I just spoke with the surgeon directly. He’d like to take your case to the UW tumor board today at 4:00.” She said.

Tears welled up in my eyes and I thanked her repeatedly for being my advocate.

“Unfortunately, we can’t locate your records and they are all needed within an hour if your case is going to go in front of the tumor board.”

I’ll make it happen I responded.

I hung up my phone and searched for the my nurse navigator’s phone number. I couldn’t find it. I searched for the phone number of Evergreen on my phone, I couldn’t find it. I searched for the phone number of the other nurse navigator. I couldn’t find it. I searched for the phone number of a consultant I was scheduled to have lunch with. I couldn’t find it.

My phone numbers had literally been wiped from my phone and I didn’t know what number to dial to talk with Evergreen to get my records to UW!

I prayed, called my wife, and she located the paperwork for my oncologist. I thanked her, hung up, and called my oncologist. The receptionist answered. She assured me that all paperwork of my case history would be there on time. I thanked her and asked her to confirm when it arrived.

Less than 30 minutes later I received the call. UW had all the history they needed!

The next 4 hours my heart raced out of my chest. I’d just experienced what I believe was a miracle.

Unfortunately, I didn’t hear back from UW that day. The next day my family and I were leaving on vacation for a week and so I doubted I’d hear back for at least a week.

I was wrong. My phone rang at 9:00 a.m. It was the scheduling nurse. “Damon, how soon can you be here. We just had a cancellation”.

“I’m on my way. I just have to drive across the bridge. See you in 40 minutes.”

I called my wife and told her we’d just experience another small miracle. I was so excited. (Note: I previously blogged on my visit here.)

I was overwhelmed with the quality of care I received at UW and will be forever grateful to the scheduling nurse for making this visit happen.

The surgeon shared some background and said that there were basically 3 outcomes:

A grand slam. They could find it, remove it completely including the margins and it would be forever removed from my tongue.
Discover it. They could find it but might be unsuccessful at identifying the margins in which case he wouldn’t know if it was all out
Not discover it. There was a 50/50 chance that he wouldn’t find it
1. He also shared that it was possible that cancer simply didn’t exist in my body any longer, that my immunity system might have fought it off, but that we wouldn’t chance it.

He also shared that he’d talked to the radiologist to determine if the radiation treatment would be different if he found it. Finding it would allow the radiologist to target radiation and would be a great outcome.

He asked me what I wanted to do. I didn’t hesitate. “Let’s do it.”

I proceeded to ask a few more questions. How frequently does CUPs happen? About 3% of the time he responded. Were the Kaplan-Meier plots I’d previously seen valid (were the chances of my surviving after 5 years 50% if they didn’t find it)? He shared that the data in the plots was valid at the time but since then they’d refined treatment and survival rates were comparable at between 90 and 95%.

He shared that this type of cancer is rapidly rising, the tumors are quite small (.9 cm as I reminded him of my research). He shared that I’d be in the hospital for 2-3 days but that my recovery would be 3-4 weeks and I could expect full recovery.

I asked him if he was one of the pioneers of this surgery and he shared that he was. I asked how many times he’d done the surgery, he shared that he couldn’t remember, but likely in the hundreds.

My confidence was high. Let’s do it I re-affirmed.

A few hours later we’d scheduled my surgery for a week after my vacation. I was going in for TORS!

And here we are nearly 12 hours from the surgery. I’m sitting here eating a liquid diet. I have experienced almost no pain, and I feel like going for a bike ride! Fortunately, I brought my computer and I pulled it out to start writing.

As I write I once again am experiencing the “flow state” that I often experience when writing about my experiences. I literally cannot type fast enough to get my thoughts out.

I awoke from the surgery at around 10:00 a.m. It took a little longer than expected. My first words, “did you get it”?

WE GOT IT!!!! IT WAS ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF YOUR TONGUE. WE REMOVED EVERYTHING INCLUDING THE MARGINS!

A GRAND SLAM I proclaimed, followed by a smug “I told you so!”.

My wife later informed me that they didn’t even need to biopsy my tongue. They visually saw it right next to the location where my tongue was previously biopsied.

A miracle? Absolutely. If the biopsy had found the cancer I would NEVER have had TORS surgery. I would have relied on Radiation to burn it out and would be 5 days into radiation right now.

Greg’s prayer was clearly answered. Jesus guided the surgeon’s eyes to the exact spot my cancer was. And since they knew where it was I didn’t have to have a “hemi glossectomy (.e.g. half my tongue). I only had to have a tiny tumor removed from the right side of my tongue. Because of this I am l literally experiencing almost no pain. I’ve been up and walked around the hospital many times. I’m eating a liquid diet and I’m writing this “in the moment”.

Words will never describe what I’m feeling today. I woke up from bed this morning at 4:15 after barely sleeping all nigh not knowing my future with cancer. Uncertain of my long term viability. Uncertain of how I’d handle the uncertainty of never knowing the source if they didn’t find it.

But I chose faith. I told my wife on the drive over to the hospital that they would find the cancer and we’d be rejoicing when I awoke from the surgery. My faith convicted me of this outcome. When I awoke from the surgery I was quickly reminded of God’s hand guiding me every step of the way and God’s hand guiding the surgeons as they saw and easily removed this cancer from my body.

I felt a deep need to worship Jesus. I turned on Pandora radio and the song “There will be a Day” by Jeremy Camp played. Tears flowed from my eyes as I remembered my mom in Heaven and I truly felt like she was my guardian angel, watching over me today.

The next song was one of my favorite worship songs, Your Great Name. Tears flowed and I raised my hands to the heavens praising Jesus for saving my life and revealing this cancer.

My wife came over and I could barely speak the words, but I told her of the data that I hadn’t previously shared. I told her that I wanted to protect her and didn’t share that the survival rate was 50% after 5 years because I didn’t want her to worry. I looked her in the eye and I said “we’ve experienced a miracle today and asked her to pray for me and thank Jesus.”

Thank you Jesus that you revealed my cancer to the surgeon’s today. Thank you for your hand guiding my thoughts and decisions over the last few months leading me to the miracle today. Thank you for the gift of life. Thank you for all the people who have been praying for me. Thank you for my children being so content that they rarely feared this cancer. Thank you for the men who laid hands on me and prayed. Thank you for my nurses today who are taking great care of me. Thank you for the doctors that previously identified the cancer and thank you for the referral to the UW. Thank you for the gift of “hyper focus” that you have given me, the gift that has resulted in my body being cancer free as near as we know right now. Thank you in advance for the lives that will be impacted from my writing, I give you all the Glory Jesus.

Amen

Post Script-

I just finished talking with one of the surgeons. He shared a few more details saying “this is a good day”. They identified the cancer using a camera. It was literally 5 mm. from the location where my tonsils were removed 6 weeks ago. They were able to visually discern a difference and took a biopsy. The pathologist returned proclaiming it was cancer. He said everyone in the operating room high fived each other. UW was one of the pioneers of this surgery 10 years ago and today they were celebrating another victory. He shared that TORS is becoming the “Gold Standard” for this type of cancer and that he is building his career on treating this form of cancer. He shared they will be bringing my case before the UW tumor board on Wednesday and deciding next steps, but typical protocol is “lightweight” radiation. He shared that the amount of radiation and the ability to focus the radiation because of this finding would be dramatically decreased. He then said 2 things I’ll never forget. The first thing is 10 years ago this type of surgery wasn’t possible. Removal of tumors like the one they found would require splitting the mandible, a 12-15 hour surgery with significant degradation of quality of life afterwards. The second thing he shared was that the next 6 years of my life will be dramatically improved because they found it versus if they’d had to proceed with radiation treatment when the source was unknown.

My family just left. We are celebrating. DAD BEAT CANCER TODAY!

Thank you JESUS.

Pain Drives Change

I Have Cancer Part 9-On my way to robotic surgery

August 2, 2019 Damon Stoddard

Sitting in the pre-op room and wanted to share a brief update.Here we go! Transoral Robotic Surgery will begin at 7:30 am PST and complete by 9. It’s been a series of what I truly believe to be small miracles getting me to the discovery and now surgery using TORS. Doctor guesstimates 50/50 chance they will find the cancer. Not me. I believe that I was guided here by the mighty hand of God. He knows exactly where the cancer is and He will guide his hands as they guide the robot to find and completely and permanently remove the cancer!All prayers are appreciated this morning. Thank you all for the constant encouragement. Stay tuned for the good news!

Cancer, Pain Drives Change

I have Cancer Part 7: Carpe Data!

July 17, 2019 Damon Stoddard 1 Comment

7/17/2019

The last few days have been a whirlwind. On Monday after talking with my radiation oncologist we decided to pause on the creation of my face mask for radiation and seek out an opinion from the University of Washington about an alternate treatment approach that I discovered while doing some research. Yesterday I met with my medical oncologist and we confirmed that this alternate path was prudent with both oncologists saying “If I were in your situation, I’d do exactly what you are doing. You have to have confidence in your treatment plan. Your life is dependent on these decisions so do whatever you need to do to gain the confidence you need to proceed.”

How did we arrive at this decision? We arrived because I decided to start researching and I brought the research to the experts. This research opened up conversations and might have enlightened my oncologists with information they weren’t intimate with.

I’ve spent my career solving big problems. I’ve been trained as an expert in a methodology known as Six Sigma, and I’ve been certified as a Master Black Belt in Six Sigma since 1999. I’ve used Six Sigma to solve countless problems in my career. I’ve also applied the Six Sigma thought process and approach in my personal life and it’s helped me become the man I am today. I write about how Six Sigma helped me identify the root cause of a lot of my issues when I was younger and how Six Sigma helped me build a foundation for an incredible marriage of 15 years. I used Six Sigma to build the small group system at my church years ago and I use Six Sigma tools and techniques to transform men’s lives and their families through my coaching business, Change YOUniversity.

Six Sigma is in my DNA. I’m a problem solver. Big problems inspire me and the methodical data driven approach to solving problems almost always uncovers a root cause that previously was unknown.

Duh….perhaps I should apply Six Sigma to this problem called cancer that I now have. Duh…..

I’ve avoided it because, truth be known, I didn’t want to see the data. I knew the data would reveal survival rates and I didn’t want to know the “number” that predicted my own survival rate. Once you hear a number about survival rate you can never forget it and it’s permanently imprinted. The number invokes fear and the fear drives you crazy.

However, given that my cancer is of unknown primary source and this only occurs in between 1 and 10% of head and neck cancer cases it would be foolish for me to let fear stop me from doing the research to uncover more details about this fairly rare occurrence called Cancer of Unknown Primary Source (CUPS).

We were poor growing up. I remember Christmas and my friends sharing they’d gotten tons of new toys (remote controlled cars, digital alarm clocks, skis…..), all the things that I never got. Instead of extravagant gifts mom always made sure we had 1 or 2 heartfelt gifts. I was jealous of my friends. But I had something they didn’t have. I had a small metal box filled with parts from gadgets I’d torn apart and rebuilt. When I was bored I’d pull out that box and rebuild an old alarm clock that somebody had thrown in the trash or I’d take apart a remote controlled car that we’d bought at a yard sale for $1 and I’d find the wire that had come unsoldered causing it to malfunction. I’d plug the soldering iron in, resolder the wire, put batteries in an vroom…the RC car was as good as new.

Euphoria. There’s no other way to describe the feeling I got after fixing something that somebody else had thrown in the trash. I remember mom needing a dishwasher and finding one for $10 at a yard sale. I ripped it apart, found the problem and mom used that dishwasher for the next 20 years!

When I was 15 years old I as mowing a lawn for extra money. I looked on the side of the garage and I saw a pile of motorcycle parts. After mowing, I asked about it. “Oh, that’s my old Honda CB 160. It was made in 1967. We tore it apart to try to fix it but were never able to fix it so we just put it in a pile.”

My heart started racing. 1967 was the year I was born and I wanted a motorcycle to ride when I turned 16 but we couldn’t afford to buy me one. “Can I buy it” I asked? “No. But if you promise to put it together and get it running I’ll give it to you.” “Deal, I said”.

That summer while my friends were at the beach I was in my back yard working on that motorcycle. When they called me and asked me to go to the movies I declined. I wanted to work on my motorcycle. I’d spend hours hand sanding the frame, tearing the carburetor apart and rebuilding it. I bought primer and red spray paint and my brother and I painted it in my shed. He’s an artist and he painted flames on the gas tank!

As I methodically rebuilt it I was ecstatic to see if it would run. Finally the day arrived. I put gas in the gas tank and got ready to start it. Unfortunately, the kick starter had stripped out and it couldn’t be fixed without tearing the engine apart. Fortunately, it had an electric start as well. I didn’t have a battery for the bike (I couldn’t afford it), but I did have jumper cables. I attached the jumper cables to the battery wires, pushed the electric start button and it fired up!

Wahoo! It works, it works, it works! I was ecstatic. My brother and I high fived each other. I’d taken a basket of parts that were once a motorcycle that someone else couldn’t fix and I fixed it.

This pattern of fixing things continued with my first car, my second car, my second motorcycle, and a third motorcycle that also started as a box of parts.

My problem solving mind helped me identify a path to college through scholarships that I earned because I analyzed the factors that contributed to other people who had one scholarships. I put these factors into my life (leadership as class president, vice president Spanish club, volunteering, etc.) and I won more scholarships than anyone else in my class. These scholarships enabled me to be the first person in my family to attend college.

I bet you can’t guess what my degree was in? Engineering, of course! One summer after moving to Seattle I decided I wanted an internship in engineering. I put my problem solving brain to work. I went to the job center and I found a job opening at Sundstrand Data Control. I knew a simple resume wouldn’t be sufficient to get me the job so I put my problem solving brain to work. I identified a cryptic signature at the bottom of the job opening. I found the nearest payphone and called Sundstrand and asked for Bob, the person who was the hiring manager.

To my shock, Bob answered the phone. He asked about me and I told him about my passion for solving problems. I shared the story of the CB160. He was fascinated. He asked me to come in. A few days later I was making $11 an hour as a summer intern for Sundstrand Data Control in Redmond! That was a ton of money considering the most I’d made was minimum wage prior to that ($3.85 per hour in those days).

That job paid for my college and turned into my full time career after graduating. That job sent me to Six Sigma school and helped me earn my Master Black Belt in Six Sigma. I learned how to solve manufacturing problems and earned many awards for my problem solving skills.

That job also opened up my next job at Microsoft. I’d trained an individual in Six Sigma at Sundstrand and he moved to Microsoft. When a Six Sigma job came open at Microsoft, he called me up, I got the interview and I was hired!

Microsoft gave me the opportunity to solve some massive problems. The largest being the Xbox 360 Red Ring of Death. I’m not going to share the gory details here, but suffice it to say that my Six Sigma Problem solving skills quantified and predicted the billion dollar warranty impact. More importantly, however, my Six Sigma skills helped dramatically improve manufacturing yields and eliminate the “bone pile” of hardware that was previously not repairable, earning me another award.

I used my Six Sigma skills to identify the root cause of the Red Ring of Death and ultimately drive the solutions to this massive problem.

My cancer of unknown primary source reminds me a lot of the red ring of death problem on Xbox 360. We didn’t know what was causing the red ring of death so we took a trip to the repair center. For confidentiality reasons I can’t share the details. However, I will say that we had very little data at the time to help us isolate the problem so we had to rely on observation and experimentation for a few months to try to stop the problem even though we didn’t know the root cause.

I, however, found some data. It was handwritten. This data identified the failure code for all Xbox 360’s that came in. I used this data to focus the problem solving team. I used the data to convince management to hire resources to help me compile more data. Together with my team we were able to pinpoint the exact problem and identify other problems that were previously unknown. We used this data to eliminate the red ring of death problem. At the time, it was the biggest problem I’d ever solved.

There’s one very important detail that I left out. After we had the data we didn’t know how to analyze it. We spent a few months and were still unable to analyze the data to isolate the problems. I knew we needed to find an expert. I used my problem solving skills and after giving a keynote address at a data conference I flew to North Carolina to talk with my friends at SAS, the company that makes JMP, the statistical analysis tool I use to analyze data. My friend Brad (he build the experimentation platform in JMP) quickly said “you need to use Kaplan Meier”.

Duh….of course, I needed to use Kaplan Meier.

“Um, Brad…what’s Kaplan Meier”.

“It’s a statistical technique that was developed in the medical field to measure survival rates of cancer patients.”

“How do I learn more?”

“Bill Meeker is the expert. I’ll introduce you.”

On the plane ride home I taught myself Kaplan Meier. I applied it to the data that we were previously unable to analyze and almost immediately saw patterns that we never saw before. We quickly started identifying problems and implementing fixes that we had been unable to see before.

Bill Meeker helped us quantify the overall impact and taught me the details of Kaplan Meier.

Today, the quality levels for Xbox 360 are the best in industry. Many of the tools and techniques that I introduced are being used to achieve these quality levels.

I’m a problem solver. It was now time to apply my problem solving skills to the biggest problem I’ve ever faced. Cancer. Cancer of Unknown Primary Source. In manufacturing, we called this NFF (No Fault Found), and it was the biggest driver of return costs. By far NFF was the hardest to diagnose as well.

My cancer is NFF. I got to work immediately and began researching. I’d use the same techniques to solve this problem as well. I’d need to find some data, I’d need to analyze it statistically, I’d need to identify the world experts, and I’d need to be relentless until the problem was solved.

Within a few minutes I discovered that CUPS was a 1-10% problem. I found a PowerPoint from UCLA that talked specifically about CUPS. And I found the Kaplan Meier survival rates comparing treatment for Cancer of Unknown Primary Source (CUPS) with Cancer of Known Primary Source. As expected, the survival rates are lower for CUPS than for known primary source.

“Nothing focuses the mind like a firing squad” Napolean

I dug deeper into the data and I discovered that a new approach was able to identify the source of cancer for 72% of patients with Cancer of Unknown Primary Source. 72%! This new approach had a high likelihood of identifying the source of my cancer! And if the source of my cancer could be identified, the treatment could be more targeted, and my chances of survival would certainly go up!

Pain drives change. I know, you keep hearing it but it’s true. The pain of not knowing the source of my cancer drove me to change and start doing the research. The research identified a new source of pain, lower survival rates. That pain is now driving me to change my approach to interacting with my oncologists and ask questions scientifically.

I dug up the original study, printed it, and pulled out my highlighter. Transoral Robotic Surgery (TORS) enables surgeons to perform surgery on the tongue that previously required the splitting of the mandible to perform. In this surgery of the tongue surgeons were able to see and perform precise biopsies in areas that were previously inaccessible. Because of this, they were able to identify the source of cancer in 72% of the patients and remove it! Furthermore, a large portion of the source identified was BOT (base of tongue).

I looked closer at the report and realized the raw data was included (at row level detail for the geeks that are reading this!). I quickly imported the .pdf data into PowerBI and transformed it using Power Query.

Within a few minutes I began visualizing the data. I quickly realized that 74% of those in this study were males and the median age was just a little older than I am (56). As I studied the data closer I discovered that the actual size of the tumor that was identified in TORS was listed. The median size was .9 centimeters (a little smaller than an inch). No wonder they didn’t locate the cancer if it is on my tongue! A random biopsy of the tongue to find a tumor .9 centimeters? Not very likely. Here’s the Power BI report I pulled together.

I’ve done this a thousand times in my career but nothing I’ve done has been as important as this. The data convicted me that I needed to learn more about my procedure and ask if I’d had TORS. If not, why not? If so, what was revealed?

My meeting with the Radiation Oncologist was Monday. Fortunately, I’d called ahead and requested 30 minutes to discuss my case. We had a great conversation. I discovered that TORS was not performed. I asked why and was told because the TORS robot was not available at the hospital that did the surgery. When she shared the certainty of the tumor team that my cancer was in the base of my tongue I told her I agreed based on the data I’d found.

When I shared the Kaplan Meier plots comparing survival rates of CUPS vs. Known Primary Source she agreed with my conclusion. Further evaluation via TORS was a wise and prudent decision. She consulted her colleagues and they shared that UW and MD Anderson had TORS equipment. I shared the paper I’d found with her and discovered that UW had the most results. This gave me even more confidence that if I could get into the UW and get TORS it would be done with a very experienced team!

She called the UW and referred me, reminding me that it might take a while to get in.

The next day I called UW scheduling office. They gave me the surgeon that would be performing TORS on me scheduler information. I called her and left a message.

Today at 11:30 a.m. I heard back from her. It would be 2 weeks before I could see the surgeon. I apologized in advance for being a pain in the butt, but I shared that my request was fairly urgent because radiation was scheduled to start in 12 days. She politely said “let me call you back”.

20 minutes later I received her call. She had talked to the surgeon and he said he would like to bring my case to the UW tumor board later that afternoon! My jaw hit the floor. How is it that 48 hours ago I’d received the referral and without a face to face appointment had my case going in front of the UW tumor board?

I’m a man of great faith. I know how it happened. I have many people praying for me and I firmly believe that God intervened on my behalf to get my case in front of the tumor board.

It’s now 6:00, 2 hours after the tumor board was to review my case. I haven’t heard back yet, but expect to hear tomorrow. Furthermore, I’m extremely confident that they will decide to perform TORS on me because of the unique nature of my case.

Thank you Jesus for this miracle. Thank you for my ability to research and analyze data. Thank you for the discovery of TORS in my research, and thank you for the promise that this surgery has a high likelihood of identifying the primary source of my cancer. Thank you that you’ve created me to be a problem solver and given me the skills of data analysis. Thank you that I discovered the data and that the UW is just across the bridge from my home. Thank you for the scheduling nurse going directly to the surgeon today and thank you for his willingness to bring my case to the tumor board. Thank you in advance for the promise that I will receive TORS and they will find my cancer. Lord I pray my writing and my story will reach people who need hope. I pray it will reach people who have cancer but don’t know it yet and it will inspire them to get that lump checked. Thank you Jesus for my family. Guide them and protect them through this journey.

Damon Stoddard

Category Archives: Pain Drives Change

Leaving the Liminal-My Journey to Rediscover my Purpose

Like this:

Thank you, Microsoft, and Goodbye…

Like this:

Humbled Part II-A Stronger Marriage That Can Pour Into Others

Like this:

Humbled Part I -Breaking Generational Curses

Like this:

Pain Drives Change-Reflecting On The Blessings

Like this:

I Have Cancer Part 13-I Can’t

Like this:

I Have Cancer Part 11-The Final Treatment Plan

Like this:

I Have Cancer Part 10-The Results are In!

Like this:

I Have Cancer Part 9-On my way to robotic surgery

Like this:

I have Cancer Part 7: Carpe Data!

Like this:

adding value to people's lives

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

adding value to people's lives